( 34 ) An overview of the world from 1994 to 1998

 ( 34 )  An overview of the world from 1994 to 1998

     During the period from 1994 to 1998, though I had some bitter experiences in life, I was curious about the happenings around me - in Kerala,  India and in the whole world.   In 1994,  when the Nobel Prize for Peace was shared by Yasser Arafat,  Shimon Peres and Yitzhak Rabin, I was shocked, like many other people in the world.   I was very eager to read the newspapers, when the comet Shoemaker - Levy 9, hit the planet Jupiter.   It aroused my zest to understand more about the space.
     In the political scenario in India,  A B Vajpayee became the Prime Minister in 1996, then, H D DeveGowda followed by I K Gujral and again A B Vajpayee  - these changes really made me panic.   I understood the limitations of democracy.   In Kerala,  when the Chief Minister, K Karunakaran was replaced by A K Antony,  the newspaper reports were confusing.   I wondered how these incidents happened in Kerala.   When  K R Narayanan became the President of India in 1997,  there were great celebrations in Kerala.   I observed the pulse of Kerala  - reached a conclusion that people always want a change, they need progress in future.
     I have to share with you another important issues also.   There are two subjects.   One is homosexuality.   It was when I was doing my B.Sc Course that I got a clear picture of people who are having sexual attraction to people of the same sex.   It was a shock to me when I realised that it was happening in the world.   I understood more about it after many years.
     The second one is masturbation or self - abuse.   To be honest,  I also had a tendency to do it.   But a miracle happened in the year 2002.   I was in a retreat centre under the leadership of Catholic Church.   During the time of adoration, the priest uttered loudly, "give up all bad habits ".  I prayed with concentration, with all my heart and alas  !  After one week retreat,  that bad habit was completely gone.   I had been never tempted to do it after that retreat.   I consider this as the greatest miracle that happened in my life.
     I was greatly concerned about the status of women in the whole world.   As a result, whenever a woman's problem was discussed in the newspapers, I thought about the ways to avoid such problems in future.   But even now, I haven't found out a complete solution, I agree.   I understand that a woman must get equal share from her parents, for the smooth functioning of the society. Yes, the power over the land  - it is very important. 

( 33 ) As a Guest Teacher in Plus Two

 ( 33 )   As a Guest Teacher in Plus Two

     It was the time when Pre - degree Course was removed from College and the High Schools were given permission to conduct Plus One  ( Std XI ) and Plus Two  ( Std XII ).  In my hostel,  a Teacher and a clerk in Govt Higher Secondary School, Kuttampuzha, were staying.   It was the month of April or May, 1999.   The clerk was transferred to another school.   As it was the beginning of Plus Two course,  the Teachers were posted temporarily as 'Guest Teacher ' in almost every Government School.   One day, the Guest Teachers in Kuttampuzha school in the previous year, came to our hostel accompanied by the clerk.   Our warden opined that I could also apply for the post of a Teacher.   Yes -I also prepared an application and we went together to the school.
     Kuttampuzha is a place which lies close to the Idukki district and it was slightly difficult to reach there.   From Kothamangalam, the bus would go through Chelad, Keerampara and Thattekad. There, we had to cross the river Periyar in a ferry and after crossing it, we could see the board "Thattekad Bird Sanctuary ".  It is famous because Salim Ali, a well -known ornithologist, came there and found many species of birds.   How many memories are there in my mind about that place !  Travelling across the river in the ferry, we were standing outside the bus, the spectacular views of the river etc.   However, my application was received and the Principal requested us to do all the works needed before the school re-opens at the first week of June.
     It was the month of May, 1999.   When I was appointed  ( though a temporary one ) in a Government School, I don't know how much was I relieved of my sorrows.   I made a list of the things I had to purchase after getting the salary of June.   My bag was very old, so a new one was to be purchased.   My sandals were torn and stitched many times - it was to be replaced.   My umbrella was also to be stitched.   Almost everyone in the hostel possessed a flask in which they filled hot water after supper, and in the morning, they made tea to drink. It was a long list .......I looked forward to the future with great enthusiasm. .

( 32 ) M A Improvement Results

 ( 32 )  M A Improvement Results

     One day, I went to the Church in Kothamangalam in the afternoon.   After that, I went to purchase a new footwear.   When I entered the shop, the owners,  a husband and his wife talked with me and at the moment when they realised that I had completed postgraduation and B.Ed. Course, they advised me to go to the school where their children studied because there was a vacancy.   In the next bus,  I went to mother's house, took all my certificates and went to the school which was almost near Kothamangalam. In that school, there were classes from LKG to Std VII.  Being a strict lady,the Headmistress said to me that I should come to school on Saturdays also.   I agreed all the conditions.   I went to 'Easy English ' and informed them about that good news.   Similarly, I went to Sithara hostel, explained to warden everything and she gave permission to stay in hostel from the next month onwards.
     How much delighted was I when I got admission in hostel again !   In mother's house, my grandmother would put out the kerosene lamp, after a certain time at night because there was no one to bring  kerosene in her home,  she would say.   From the period when I got salary from the parallel college, I used candles in order to prepare for next day's classes.   That was why I became relieved when I was again in the hostel.   My salary in that school was Rs 1000 /- and hostel fee was Rs 850 /- .  The fact that I didn't earn money from my job, created laughter in my colleagues.   The teachers  ( being talkative ) laughed at me how many times when they knew that I was in hostel.   When I said that I am coming from a poor family,  they ridiculed me.   They asked me why was I spending the money in hostel instead of helping my family.   During that period,  I didn't utter a word about my family problems.
     One day, almost all the teachers were absent - they went to attend a test conducted by Public Service Commission  ( PSC ).  I was immersed in teaching and correcting the compositions of students.   One teacher asked me why I didn't attend the examination.   I couldn't give an answer.   "How will you get a government job without writing PSC examination  ?", she asked me angrily and at the sametime wonderfully.   It was at that moment that I thought seriously about applying for a govt job.   In the evening, I asked one of the M.Phil. students  ( the old batch had gone,  in the new batch, only two of them were staying in hostel ) about the matter and she replied that I could go to a bookstall, ask for a PSC exam form, fill it and send it in the address given in the notification.   Everyone wondered what kind of a fool was I  !  I was shocked when I realised that I could apply for tests from my eighteenth birthday onwards.
     The result of the 'improvement ' examination of M A Course was published and I scored 726 /1450 ie. 50.07 %.  I had taken a decision that if the score was low, I would apply for it again.   But there was a rule that the 'improvement ' examination should be written on two consecutive years.   And there was only two chances for it.   I remember that day on which I stood in the college verandah, immersed in thinking about my plight.   The date to apply for the next examination was over.   I wondered why the university took such a long term to publish the results.   I stood there and finally reached a conclusion - a person who achieved low marks in B.Sc. Course does not deserve an M.Phil. degree, Ph.D. or a chance to apply for UGC.   But I could apply for the post of 'Guest Teacher ' in VHSE and Plus Two. 

( 31 ) M A Improvement examination & Teaching

 ( 31 )  M A Improvement examination & Teaching

     The hostel was not the same when I returned the second time.  Near the old hostel, on the roadside, a parallel college was functioning earlier.   It was a three -storeyed building.   The hostel was running in that building  ( on rental basis ).  There I tried my best to learn my topics.   There was a time table for me and my study was exam - oriented.   I want to share an important incident here which is still tormenting me very much.   After my M A Final Year Examination, I and my friends used to meet in various places in Kothamangalam.   During one of the meetings, I and Serin were only present.   We were in the bus stand, Kothamangalam.   I asked her whether her family members would give consent to me to stay in their house and prepare for my 'improvement ' examination.   She was puzzled and said, "no ".  She described that her father wouldn't understand my circumstances.   Then, I think I requested to give Rs 100 /- ( or Rs 75 /- ? ) to me.   It is sure that she gave me some amount - it might be  Rs 75 /-.  It remains as a fact that I had not returned her money.   Many times I had tried to return the money - but I couldn't - I continue as a debtor.
     When the examinations were over,  I was happy because I had a feeling that I would pass.   But I doubted whether I could score 50 % or above.  My actual aim was to attain 55 % or above because I could apply for M.Phil. course and also UGC /NET, which is necessary to become a college Lecturer.   During that study leave period,  all the money had exhausted, I remember with an anguish.   There was a moment when there was only Rs. 2 /- with me.   I didn't have a washing soap and I didn't know what to do.   I can realise the mental state of such a person - horrific indeed  !  After the examinations, I didn't like to return to my home.   I applied for the post of a Teacher in a parallel college in Perumbavoor.   In one class, the failed ones in the SSLC Examination and in another class - tuition for some Degree students.   I didn't continue there because the remuneration was not sufficient.   By that time,  I had given my golden chain to the warden and purchased a gold -covering silver chain from a shop.
     In search of a job,  I went to a convent in Kothamangalam where there was a convent school.   I asked one of the Sisters whether there was a vacancy of a tuition Teacher.   The answer was "no " and I remained there for about two or three minutes, without speaking anything. After a while,  I was again in my mother's house.   I decided to enquire in the parallel colleges in the nearest city,  Muvattupuzha.   One day, I went to four parallel colleges.   Everywhere, they noted down my address.   In one of the parallel colleges,  they asked me to come the next week, preparing for teaching a particular topic.   I went there, taught a lesson but there was no vacancy  !
     During that period,  by chance, I went to a college, "Easy English ".  I think they were waiting for a lady Teacher.   I was appointed but the Principal told me that I had classes only in the forenoon.   My salary was Rs 500 / - per month.   But it was enough for me.   When I got my first salary, what I did was :- ( 1 ) I purchased a 'toilet cleaner ' because there was not such a one in the house.   ( 2 ) purchased a pesticide to kill the bed bugs and a spray.   On the next holiday, I sprayed it on the cots, pillows and everywhere.   I washed all the clothes and bedsheets.   The bed and pillows were exposed to sunlight in the courtyard from morning to evening.   When it was completed, I was totally tired, but my mind was relieved, I think so.   I knew that the use of a pesticide is dangerous but I had no alternative method before me  !
     In those times,  I went to the parallel college in the morning and returned in the afternoon, at about 02.00 p. m.  There would be some rice and ricewater in the ricepot and I would take it.   Many days, I had desired some more rice to take.   Even now, I am living in this world, realising the importance of food and money.   In those times,  I had become a strong believer in God, I can imagine.   Did I go through existentialism  ?  'Yes ' or 'no ' -  both of them can be attributed to me.

( 30 ) B. Ed. Result and my life in father's house

 ( 30 ) B.Ed. Result and my life in father's house

     When I was in father's house, the neighbours who went through the mud road would ask me about  the welfare of my family members.   I would reply that everything was fine.   But my heart was burning inside me.   At that time, I had become very lean and this aroused doubts in their minds.   They didn't know the fact that I had not taken any food from my house and in mother's house, I got very little.  It was during the stay in father's house that I understood how much did father's brothers and sister hated him.  "Our eldest brother will be declined forever ", I often heard this statement from the members of these families.   At this moment,  I remember another incident.   It was when I was doing my B.Sc. IInd year.   Then, someone from my paternal aunt's family came to our home in Kadayiruppu and when they returned, we  ( I,  my brother and my sister ) also went with them.   There also, I heard this statement, "the eldest brother will be perished ".  When they openly declared this statement, I realised that they would be happy to see the decline of my father.
     However, the B.Ed. examination results were published and I scored 569 / 1000 ie. 56. 9 %.  I was satisfied in my score because I knew that the marks of B.Sc. Course was also taken into consideration, to give the internal marks.   I think no one in my B.Ed. College knew that I was a distinction holder in Std X.   Our Principal Sister was very kind to me and she said that there were vacancies of Teachers in Punjab  ( which is in the northern part of India ) and she recommended me also with some others, to the school there. When I went home and asked my father about this, he didn't respond to it.   It was noontime and he was lying on the bed.   When I repeated the question,  he stood up and shouted, "Punjab - do you know how far it is  ?  Don't tell this to me a second time ".  Yes - it was very far.   I didn't have the courage to go alone.
     I was in mother's house towards the end of that academic year.   I had applied for the 'improvement ' examination of M A Course.   One day, my sister brought a letter from Mahathma Gandhi University, Kottayam.   In that letter, it was informed that some more money was to be remitted to appear for the examination.   I was in tears in front of my sister.   "My life has gone ", saying this,  I threw it off to the cot.   To my surprise, the next day, my sister brought the money required for the fee.   Thus, I remitted the fee and waited.   Now, I write this because if I had sufficient money with me, I might have gone to the headquarters of M G University because it stood on the route to my college - St Joseph's Training College, Mannanam.
     I desired to stay in the hostel, to prepare for the examination because it was difficult to learn when I stayed in mother's house.   When I thought about it, I got an idea - to go to Sithara hostel, tell everything to warden and promise her to give my golden chain as fee.   I discussed this matter with my sister and she agreed.   Both of us went to hostel, I explained that I could stay at least two months in hostel, otherwise I couldn't learn.   I added that I was ready to give the chain instead of money.   She agreed and said that she wouldn't ask the golden ornament on the joining date.   She would ask it only after two months.
     When did I went to hostel after that  ?  On March 1st or April 1st  ?  I think it was on April 1st.   On that day, I went home and arranged all my books in two bags.   My brother went to the autorickshaw stand and came with one.   I, my brother and sister started our journey from my house to the hostel in Kothamangalam.   My mother was waving her hands and my father had nothing to say.   After reaching hostel, they returned in the same vehicle.   I stood there for sometime till that vehicle had gone.   My sister was fourteen years and brother nineteen.   But to me, they seemed small children.   It was always like that.   Now, a question would arouse in your mind - "how did my sister and brother live in the house without a toilet  ?" The answer is this :- even today, if their father didn't build a toilet, they will live in the house without any complaint.   A very simple answer.   But I am not like that.   I can't go to school to teach the children, from a house where there is no toilet. 

( 29 ) Completing the B. Ed.course

 ( 29 )   Completing the B. Ed. course

     For our Teaching Practice in B Ed,  I and my roommates were given a school in Kallara, to where we had to travel by bus.   I remember the sleepless nights we were engaged in preparing Lesson Plans and Teaching Aids.   After the Teaching Practice, we had our final examinations.   On the final day of examination, everyone vacated the hostel, as per the orders from the authorities.   On that day, my father, mother and sister  ( 13 years ) came to hostel.   All my friends were happy but I was sad.   I thought the condition in my home might become better.   But it was worsened by that time.   My brother had already started doing diploma course in Govt Polytechnic, Chelad, Kothamangalam.   It was due to my continuous plea that he went to different polytechnic institutions in Ernakulam district, filled the applications and finally got admission there.   As he had no reservation and thereby no lumpsum grant, my father had to remit the fee and other expenses, from the money that remained when our land was purchased.

     After returning home completing my B Ed course, I went to mother's house.   My mind was completely broken but an outsider couldn't find any problem in my family.   One day, I and my brother discussed about acquiring a job in a parallel college in Pothanicad. Both of us went together and enquired whether there was any vacancy.   The Principal told us about the behaviour of the students.   Most of them were naughty boys who had failed in the SSLC examination.   There were no lady teachers.  So, I lost all my hopes and continued in mother's house.   At the initial period, there was no problem.   I didn't have any idea about what to do.   But I was determined in one thing.   The next year, we had an opportunity to apply for 'improvement ' examination of M A Course.   Earlier when I was in Sithara hostel, one of my roommates had told me that if one acquires 50 % and above in M A course, there is a chance to apply for 'Guest Teacher ' in Vocational Higher Secondary Schools.   As I had scored only 45 % in M A, I decided to appear for M A examination, next year.   But from where would I get the money  ?  Of course, I had kept some amount from my lumpsum grant but wouldn't spend.
     When I stayed in mother's house,  gradually I realised that I was becoming a burden in that house.   The rice, coconuts, coconut oil etc. came from  Rini's house.   I remember another thing also - aunt Molly also came there and gave money - I don't know how much money.   It wouldn't be a large sum - because I think her husband wouldn't allow her to give money to grandmother though he was present in the house when grandfather died.
      One day, I decided to go to father's house in Kadayiruppu.   Grandfather lived there with his youngest son, uncle Yohannan, aunt Sicily and their daughter, a three years old child.   I forgot to mention one incident.   Cousin Benny was married when I was doing B Ed course.   Even on the day of his marriage, I was attending one examination, I remember.   So, in uncle Yacob's house, aunt Leela, their son Benny and their  daughter - in - law were present.  A surprising factor was this - my paternal grandfather often went for his job, even at that age.   

( 28 ) B.Ed Course

 ( 28 )  B.Ed. Course

     I went to my mother's house with all my necessary things, to stay there.   At that time, I had applied for B.Ed  ( Bachelor of Education ) Degree, in some colleges under M.G.University.   I didn't know whether I would get admission for that course because the selection was on the basis of the marks I have scored in Degree course.   One day, my sister, on the way to school, brought to me a letter - an interview card from St Joseph's Training College,  Mannanam.   Let me remember another thing also.   My sister went to school in a bicycle - there was a reason behind it - a girl from one of our neighbouring families went to school in a cycle.   Moreover,  she had to walk a little more distance than she did in Kadayiruppu.  As a result, I had one advantage - I received the letters addressed to me, the next day itself - she carried the letters to me, on the way to school in the bicycle.
     When I received the interview card,  I realised that I should reach the college on that same day.   I went home quickly and I don't know how did I present it before my father. In such circumstances, I would acquire great courage - it was a turning point in my life.   I am sure that I got admission there on reservation basis.   It was compulsory to wear saree because the teachers in Kerala always appeared in a saree.  But, when I wear a saree, everyone would ask about a golden chain.   There I played a trick.   I told my father that if he was not ready to build a toilet, he must give me a golden chain.   The next day, my father went to Kadayiruppu to withdraw money from his account to buy a chain and brought it home.   Then, I wondered and said to myself, "there was money to build a toilet - but he didn't do.   What is the reason  ?"  However, I went to college, stayed in Pope John hostel, where students from K E College, Mannanam were also staying.   Our Principal was a Sister and she also stayed in that hostel.   Our class' - Physical Science - Head was a priest - he was a Father  ( Jacobite or Orthodox, I don't remember ) but the college was a Catholic institution.   Another speciality was that our college stood in the second position under the B.Ed.  colleges in M.G.University.
     As the B. Ed. Course was intended to make a person suitable for teaching, the college was well - disciplined as a school.   I still remember the cultural programmes, sports meet and arts competitions.   Our Head had asked us to inform him the results of the Postgraduation when it is published.   Almost everyone had done M Sc Physics or Chemistry.   So, after one or two weeks from the publication of results, I went slowly to the staffroom and told him, "I have passed M A with 45 % of marks".  Yes - I didn't fail - that gave me great relief.  Let me also announce that the marks of Postgraduation was also  considered when the internal marks were provided.

     It was when I was doing B Ed that my paternal grandmother died.   A phone call was received in my hostel and I started from there and reached in time.   As grandmother was in Pentacostal Church, her body was buried in their cemetery.  No further traditional practices or rites were there.