( 31 ) M A Improvement examination & Teaching

 ( 31 )  M A Improvement examination & Teaching

     The hostel was not the same when I returned the second time.  Near the old hostel, on the roadside, a parallel college was functioning earlier.   It was a three -storeyed building.   The hostel was running in that building  ( on rental basis ).  There I tried my best to learn my topics.   There was a time table for me and my study was exam - oriented.   I want to share an important incident here which is still tormenting me very much.   After my M A Final Year Examination, I and my friends used to meet in various places in Kothamangalam.   During one of the meetings, I and Serin were only present.   We were in the bus stand, Kothamangalam.   I asked her whether her family members would give consent to me to stay in their house and prepare for my 'improvement ' examination.   She was puzzled and said, "no ".  She described that her father wouldn't understand my circumstances.   Then, I think I requested to give Rs 100 /- ( or Rs 75 /- ? ) to me.   It is sure that she gave me some amount - it might be  Rs 75 /-.  It remains as a fact that I had not returned her money.   Many times I had tried to return the money - but I couldn't - I continue as a debtor.
     When the examinations were over,  I was happy because I had a feeling that I would pass.   But I doubted whether I could score 50 % or above.  My actual aim was to attain 55 % or above because I could apply for M.Phil. course and also UGC /NET, which is necessary to become a college Lecturer.   During that study leave period,  all the money had exhausted, I remember with an anguish.   There was a moment when there was only Rs. 2 /- with me.   I didn't have a washing soap and I didn't know what to do.   I can realise the mental state of such a person - horrific indeed  !  After the examinations, I didn't like to return to my home.   I applied for the post of a Teacher in a parallel college in Perumbavoor.   In one class, the failed ones in the SSLC Examination and in another class - tuition for some Degree students.   I didn't continue there because the remuneration was not sufficient.   By that time,  I had given my golden chain to the warden and purchased a gold -covering silver chain from a shop.
     In search of a job,  I went to a convent in Kothamangalam where there was a convent school.   I asked one of the Sisters whether there was a vacancy of a tuition Teacher.   The answer was "no " and I remained there for about two or three minutes, without speaking anything. After a while,  I was again in my mother's house.   I decided to enquire in the parallel colleges in the nearest city,  Muvattupuzha.   One day, I went to four parallel colleges.   Everywhere, they noted down my address.   In one of the parallel colleges,  they asked me to come the next week, preparing for teaching a particular topic.   I went there, taught a lesson but there was no vacancy  !
     During that period,  by chance, I went to a college, "Easy English ".  I think they were waiting for a lady Teacher.   I was appointed but the Principal told me that I had classes only in the forenoon.   My salary was Rs 500 / - per month.   But it was enough for me.   When I got my first salary, what I did was :- ( 1 ) I purchased a 'toilet cleaner ' because there was not such a one in the house.   ( 2 ) purchased a pesticide to kill the bed bugs and a spray.   On the next holiday, I sprayed it on the cots, pillows and everywhere.   I washed all the clothes and bedsheets.   The bed and pillows were exposed to sunlight in the courtyard from morning to evening.   When it was completed, I was totally tired, but my mind was relieved, I think so.   I knew that the use of a pesticide is dangerous but I had no alternative method before me  !
     In those times,  I went to the parallel college in the morning and returned in the afternoon, at about 02.00 p. m.  There would be some rice and ricewater in the ricepot and I would take it.   Many days, I had desired some more rice to take.   Even now, I am living in this world, realising the importance of food and money.   In those times,  I had become a strong believer in God, I can imagine.   Did I go through existentialism  ?  'Yes ' or 'no ' -  both of them can be attributed to me.

( 30 ) B. Ed. Result and my life in father's house

 ( 30 ) B.Ed. Result and my life in father's house

     When I was in father's house, the neighbours who went through the mud road would ask me about  the welfare of my family members.   I would reply that everything was fine.   But my heart was burning inside me.   At that time, I had become very lean and this aroused doubts in their minds.   They didn't know the fact that I had not taken any food from my house and in mother's house, I got very little.  It was during the stay in father's house that I understood how much did father's brothers and sister hated him.  "Our eldest brother will be declined forever ", I often heard this statement from the members of these families.   At this moment,  I remember another incident.   It was when I was doing my B.Sc. IInd year.   Then, someone from my paternal aunt's family came to our home in Kadayiruppu and when they returned, we  ( I,  my brother and my sister ) also went with them.   There also, I heard this statement, "the eldest brother will be perished ".  When they openly declared this statement, I realised that they would be happy to see the decline of my father.
     However, the B.Ed. examination results were published and I scored 569 / 1000 ie. 56. 9 %.  I was satisfied in my score because I knew that the marks of B.Sc. Course was also taken into consideration, to give the internal marks.   I think no one in my B.Ed. College knew that I was a distinction holder in Std X.   Our Principal Sister was very kind to me and she said that there were vacancies of Teachers in Punjab  ( which is in the northern part of India ) and she recommended me also with some others, to the school there. When I went home and asked my father about this, he didn't respond to it.   It was noontime and he was lying on the bed.   When I repeated the question,  he stood up and shouted, "Punjab - do you know how far it is  ?  Don't tell this to me a second time ".  Yes - it was very far.   I didn't have the courage to go alone.
     I was in mother's house towards the end of that academic year.   I had applied for the 'improvement ' examination of M A Course.   One day, my sister brought a letter from Mahathma Gandhi University, Kottayam.   In that letter, it was informed that some more money was to be remitted to appear for the examination.   I was in tears in front of my sister.   "My life has gone ", saying this,  I threw it off to the cot.   To my surprise, the next day, my sister brought the money required for the fee.   Thus, I remitted the fee and waited.   Now, I write this because if I had sufficient money with me, I might have gone to the headquarters of M G University because it stood on the route to my college - St Joseph's Training College, Mannanam.
     I desired to stay in the hostel, to prepare for the examination because it was difficult to learn when I stayed in mother's house.   When I thought about it, I got an idea - to go to Sithara hostel, tell everything to warden and promise her to give my golden chain as fee.   I discussed this matter with my sister and she agreed.   Both of us went to hostel, I explained that I could stay at least two months in hostel, otherwise I couldn't learn.   I added that I was ready to give the chain instead of money.   She agreed and said that she wouldn't ask the golden ornament on the joining date.   She would ask it only after two months.
     When did I went to hostel after that  ?  On March 1st or April 1st  ?  I think it was on April 1st.   On that day, I went home and arranged all my books in two bags.   My brother went to the autorickshaw stand and came with one.   I, my brother and sister started our journey from my house to the hostel in Kothamangalam.   My mother was waving her hands and my father had nothing to say.   After reaching hostel, they returned in the same vehicle.   I stood there for sometime till that vehicle had gone.   My sister was fourteen years and brother nineteen.   But to me, they seemed small children.   It was always like that.   Now, a question would arouse in your mind - "how did my sister and brother live in the house without a toilet  ?" The answer is this :- even today, if their father didn't build a toilet, they will live in the house without any complaint.   A very simple answer.   But I am not like that.   I can't go to school to teach the children, from a house where there is no toilet. 

( 29 ) Completing the B. Ed.course

 ( 29 )   Completing the B. Ed. course

     For our Teaching Practice in B Ed,  I and my roommates were given a school in Kallara, to where we had to travel by bus.   I remember the sleepless nights we were engaged in preparing Lesson Plans and Teaching Aids.   After the Teaching Practice, we had our final examinations.   On the final day of examination, everyone vacated the hostel, as per the orders from the authorities.   On that day, my father, mother and sister  ( 13 years ) came to hostel.   All my friends were happy but I was sad.   I thought the condition in my home might become better.   But it was worsened by that time.   My brother had already started doing diploma course in Govt Polytechnic, Chelad, Kothamangalam.   It was due to my continuous plea that he went to different polytechnic institutions in Ernakulam district, filled the applications and finally got admission there.   As he had no reservation and thereby no lumpsum grant, my father had to remit the fee and other expenses, from the money that remained when our land was purchased.

     After returning home completing my B Ed course, I went to mother's house.   My mind was completely broken but an outsider couldn't find any problem in my family.   One day, I and my brother discussed about acquiring a job in a parallel college in Pothanicad. Both of us went together and enquired whether there was any vacancy.   The Principal told us about the behaviour of the students.   Most of them were naughty boys who had failed in the SSLC examination.   There were no lady teachers.  So, I lost all my hopes and continued in mother's house.   At the initial period, there was no problem.   I didn't have any idea about what to do.   But I was determined in one thing.   The next year, we had an opportunity to apply for 'improvement ' examination of M A Course.   Earlier when I was in Sithara hostel, one of my roommates had told me that if one acquires 50 % and above in M A course, there is a chance to apply for 'Guest Teacher ' in Vocational Higher Secondary Schools.   As I had scored only 45 % in M A, I decided to appear for M A examination, next year.   But from where would I get the money  ?  Of course, I had kept some amount from my lumpsum grant but wouldn't spend.
     When I stayed in mother's house,  gradually I realised that I was becoming a burden in that house.   The rice, coconuts, coconut oil etc. came from  Rini's house.   I remember another thing also - aunt Molly also came there and gave money - I don't know how much money.   It wouldn't be a large sum - because I think her husband wouldn't allow her to give money to grandmother though he was present in the house when grandfather died.
      One day, I decided to go to father's house in Kadayiruppu.   Grandfather lived there with his youngest son, uncle Yohannan, aunt Sicily and their daughter, a three years old child.   I forgot to mention one incident.   Cousin Benny was married when I was doing B Ed course.   Even on the day of his marriage, I was attending one examination, I remember.   So, in uncle Yacob's house, aunt Leela, their son Benny and their  daughter - in - law were present.  A surprising factor was this - my paternal grandfather often went for his job, even at that age.   

( 28 ) B.Ed Course

 ( 28 )  B.Ed. Course

     I went to my mother's house with all my necessary things, to stay there.   At that time, I had applied for B.Ed  ( Bachelor of Education ) Degree, in some colleges under M.G.University.   I didn't know whether I would get admission for that course because the selection was on the basis of the marks I have scored in Degree course.   One day, my sister, on the way to school, brought to me a letter - an interview card from St Joseph's Training College,  Mannanam.   Let me remember another thing also.   My sister went to school in a bicycle - there was a reason behind it - a girl from one of our neighbouring families went to school in a cycle.   Moreover,  she had to walk a little more distance than she did in Kadayiruppu.  As a result, I had one advantage - I received the letters addressed to me, the next day itself - she carried the letters to me, on the way to school in the bicycle.
     When I received the interview card,  I realised that I should reach the college on that same day.   I went home quickly and I don't know how did I present it before my father. In such circumstances, I would acquire great courage - it was a turning point in my life.   I am sure that I got admission there on reservation basis.   It was compulsory to wear saree because the teachers in Kerala always appeared in a saree.  But, when I wear a saree, everyone would ask about a golden chain.   There I played a trick.   I told my father that if he was not ready to build a toilet, he must give me a golden chain.   The next day, my father went to Kadayiruppu to withdraw money from his account to buy a chain and brought it home.   Then, I wondered and said to myself, "there was money to build a toilet - but he didn't do.   What is the reason  ?"  However, I went to college, stayed in Pope John hostel, where students from K E College, Mannanam were also staying.   Our Principal was a Sister and she also stayed in that hostel.   Our class' - Physical Science - Head was a priest - he was a Father  ( Jacobite or Orthodox, I don't remember ) but the college was a Catholic institution.   Another speciality was that our college stood in the second position under the B.Ed.  colleges in M.G.University.
     As the B. Ed. Course was intended to make a person suitable for teaching, the college was well - disciplined as a school.   I still remember the cultural programmes, sports meet and arts competitions.   Our Head had asked us to inform him the results of the Postgraduation when it is published.   Almost everyone had done M Sc Physics or Chemistry.   So, after one or two weeks from the publication of results, I went slowly to the staffroom and told him, "I have passed M A with 45 % of marks".  Yes - I didn't fail - that gave me great relief.  Let me also announce that the marks of Postgraduation was also  considered when the internal marks were provided.

     It was when I was doing B Ed that my paternal grandmother died.   A phone call was received in my hostel and I started from there and reached in time.   As grandmother was in Pentacostal Church, her body was buried in their cemetery.  No further traditional practices or rites were there.

( 27 ) My Performance in M A Final Year Examination

 ( 27 )   My Performance in M  A  Final  Year  Examination

     In the new hostel,  I could prepare for the examination in a better way because when the new M.Phil  batch arrived,  one of them helped me to correct my problems in learning.   But there were two persons  - they were friends of Sandhya, who was doing Ph.D.   When they came to our room,  one of them always repeated like this  - "this girl is always studying. Why doesn't she talk to others always  ?  Don't learn continuously.  We were not like this. "  Hearing such types of words made me irritated.  I haven't listened to those people later.   It is because of their envy that they talked like that.   They might have feared that sometimes others would score higher marks compared to them.

     It is interesting to share the fact that in the new hostel, Aneesh visited me once.   He came to know why I changed hostel and also to know whether I could learn better in the new atmosphere.   Gowtham and another friend also visited me in hostel.   Their visit to my hostel remains as a wonder to me even now because we interacted very little in our college though we were doing Postgraduation.  We were not 'friends', I'm sure.  However, that examination was over and there remained the 'viva - voce '.  In the mock viva, my performance was bad,  I think so.   The actual examination date of the viva voce was one or two weeks after the main examination, if my memory is correct.  After the final examination,  I felt that I would pass the examination.  So, I left the hostel with satisfaction.
     My father came with my sister who was only twelve years old,  to vacate the hostel,  in an autorickshaw from Pothanicad.   We travelled from Kothamangalam to our house,  in that vehicle.   The auto driver had become his friend and I am trying to emphasise the fact that everything was clear and smooth in my home,  when watched from outside. After reaching home,  I asked my father why he was not building a toilet in the house. There were many places in our land to build a toilet.   It could be attached to one of the rooms, there was space outside the house, in the backyard or on one side of the house.  How many times I have dreamt about a completed toilet in that compound !  But, his reply was like this :-  "why are you talking about toilet always  ?  Is it because you are an M A Degree holder  ?  Don't dare to repeat this anymore.   I will make a toilet when I build a new house only.   If you can't live here, you can go anywhere you like.   I won't be affected whatever may happen to you". It was  like a roar  - I couldn't give a reply.   He asked my brother, "do you want a toilet  ?", to which he replied shivering, "no ".  Next he turned to my sister who is ten years younger to me, "do you need a toilet ?".  A cry  - that was her reply.   Being a child,  she could not even give a reply.   But,  it is a fact that when I was eleven years old,  I could speak about the importance of a toilet !  He turned to me and shouted,  "my two younger children don't need a toilet.  Then why do you dare to say this to me,  you get out, I say you get out of my house ", he came towards me to beat me.   I stood there without moving.   My mother intervened and asked him to stop.   When she was in tears,  he became calm.   

( 26 ) M A Final Year Examination

 ( 26 )   M  A  Final  Year  Examination

     While I was doing M A IInd Year Course,  the First and IInd Terminal examinations might have taken place,  but I don't remember anything about it.  I don't remember whether there was a tour.   But,  there was a 'farewell party', just before our 'study leave ' period.   I didn't go to college because I was not interested in such things.   Not only that the money they collected seemed a huge amount,  to me.   Because of this,  now,  I don't recommend the present system of education to the students from backward communities.   What they need is a vocational training  to lead a life which suit to  their surroundings.   Otherwise,  their lives will be shattered when they confront with the so - called 'civilized ' persons from the upper class society.   I am writing this from my own experience.   Now, I realise that the 'basic education ' upto Xth Std was enough for me.   After Xth Std,  I could have gone through a vocational training and before I completed  eighteen  years,  might have able to earn money without another's help.   In my opinion,  the education system must be changed and a person must have the ability to lead a life of one's own, at the age of eighteen  itself.   At the sametime,  the talented ones should get a chance to continue their studies upto which level they need.
     However, I think I gave the money but didn't go to college, to participate in it.   On that day, I was in hostel and after having lunch,  I could see my friends  ( they were three in numbers, I imagine ) at the courtyard of the hostel.   They spoke to me crying and with tears - to come and participate in the function.   But I was very stubborn and severe. I didn't go with them.   Now,  when I assess that incident,  I have no feeling of guilt.

     Before our Final examination, there was a period of two months as 'study leave '.  At that time,  a family problem aroused among the individuals of the owners of our hostel.   I can't describe it here because it is a long story.   Most of the students went home during that period but I and Vanaja didn't.   This problem greatly affected our studies, which led to me to think about a new idea  - to change hostel.   Vanaja wouldn't change because she had to remit the previous month's fee also.   I and Vanaja first went to a convent of Catholic Sisters near St George's Cathedral, Kothamangalam.   Attached to it, there was a boarding school.   The warden, a nun, told that as it was the month of March,  they couldn't give admission to a person from outside.  Yes, it must be the last week of February, 1996.   The SSLC examination in Kerala is conducted on March, every year.  So, I had to wait upto the first week of April, to change to that hostel.   But, I couldn't wait - our examination was in the month of May.  Then, we went to another hostel which was almost near to ours.   Sithara hostel - it was like a house.   Besides the warden, there were her husband, her daughter  ( 18 years ) and son  ( 12 years ).  There was a woman to help the warden in preparing food.   To be frank, some students were staying in another house which stood a little far away from the main building - annexe - it can be called so.   There stayed Sandhya, who was doing Ph.D and her two friends doing M.Phil.

     The date to change the hostel was fixed but there was a problem.   I had to go there with my guardian.  One day, I went home and bravely explained everything.  However,  on that day, not only my father but my mother also came.   The hostellers were astonished to see my mother who was talkative and smart in appearance. Here,  I want to mention one thing.   Among the working women in that hostel,  there was a Headmistress of a school nearby.   She said, "those who want to learn,  will study and acquire high score,  whatever may be their circumstances ".  Here, I want to point out that I strongly disagree with this statement. 

( 25 ) M A IInd Year - memories continue

 ( 25 )  M  A  IInd Year - memories continue

     Our classmate Aneesh was a member of a youth organisation of Christian Church.   There were prayer meetings once in a week in a hall behind a book house.  Under his inspiration,  I used to participate in those meetings.   I think two other girls from my class also took part in it.   An annual camp was held at Aluva,  for three days.   There were classes on different topics related to Christianity.   I remember that there were students from Mar Athanasius College of Engineering also in the meetings and camp. But,  I discontinued attending those meetings because I felt that the teachings were different from that of Jacobite Church.

     One thing I remember.   One of my roommates  ( there were four girls including me ) Vanaja,  who was doing her Degree Course,  was a  hardworking & studious person.   She came from Idukki district.   Her mother was working in one of the estates,  in their village.   Here I want to point out the fact that I am writing this from my memory.   Her father was a playwright as well as an actor.   He came home once in a week or twice in a month.   He earned a little,  so it was difficult for her to remit even the hostel fee.
     She revealed me the difficulties she suffered while she was doing Pre - degree.   As it was a remote area,  she had to start her journey to the college at about 06.30 a.m in the morning and return at about 07.30 p.m.   Her mother or uncle would be there to accompany her to home. After reaching home,  she would take bath,  then dinner,  after that sleep at least two hours.   Then  her mother would make her rise up and she would study about two or three hours.   Again, she would sleep for sometime, in the morning, her mother would prepare the breakfast.   After having breakfast,  she would walk to the bus stop with the bag which contained her textbooks and lunchbox.

     Vanaja shared some bad experiences she had to suffer when she was in High School.   One day, she was alone in her home.   She was in the kitchen.   A person who was one of her neighbours,  came inside her home with his child in his hands and tried to seize her.   I was shocked when I heard that a man tried to harass  a girl sexually,  carrying his own child in his arms !  Though I had read about some Cases in the Courts which included politicians and film actors in newspapers,  I  was deeply hurt when she described her story.