( 27 ) My Performance in M A Final Year Examination

 ( 27 )   My Performance in M  A  Final  Year  Examination

     In the new hostel,  I could prepare for the examination in a better way because when the new M.Phil  batch arrived,  one of them helped me to correct my problems in learning.   But there were two persons  - they were friends of Sandhya, who was doing Ph.D.   When they came to our room,  one of them always repeated like this  - "this girl is always studying. Why doesn't she talk to others always  ?  Don't learn continuously.  We were not like this. "  Hearing such types of words made me irritated.  I haven't listened to those people later.   It is because of their envy that they talked like that.   They might have feared that sometimes others would score higher marks compared to them.

     It is interesting to share the fact that in the new hostel, Aneesh visited me once.   He came to know why I changed hostel and also to know whether I could learn better in the new atmosphere.   Gowtham and another friend also visited me in hostel.   Their visit to my hostel remains as a wonder to me even now because we interacted very little in our college though we were doing Postgraduation.  We were not 'friends', I'm sure.  However, that examination was over and there remained the 'viva - voce '.  In the mock viva, my performance was bad,  I think so.   The actual examination date of the viva voce was one or two weeks after the main examination, if my memory is correct.  After the final examination,  I felt that I would pass the examination.  So, I left the hostel with satisfaction.
     My father came with my sister who was only twelve years old,  to vacate the hostel,  in an autorickshaw from Pothanicad.   We travelled from Kothamangalam to our house,  in that vehicle.   The auto driver had become his friend and I am trying to emphasise the fact that everything was clear and smooth in my home,  when watched from outside. After reaching home,  I asked my father why he was not building a toilet in the house. There were many places in our land to build a toilet.   It could be attached to one of the rooms, there was space outside the house, in the backyard or on one side of the house.  How many times I have dreamt about a completed toilet in that compound !  But, his reply was like this :-  "why are you talking about toilet always  ?  Is it because you are an M A Degree holder  ?  Don't dare to repeat this anymore.   I will make a toilet when I build a new house only.   If you can't live here, you can go anywhere you like.   I won't be affected whatever may happen to you". It was  like a roar  - I couldn't give a reply.   He asked my brother, "do you want a toilet  ?", to which he replied shivering, "no ".  Next he turned to my sister who is ten years younger to me, "do you need a toilet ?".  A cry  - that was her reply.   Being a child,  she could not even give a reply.   But,  it is a fact that when I was eleven years old,  I could speak about the importance of a toilet !  He turned to me and shouted,  "my two younger children don't need a toilet.  Then why do you dare to say this to me,  you get out, I say you get out of my house ", he came towards me to beat me.   I stood there without moving.   My mother intervened and asked him to stop.   When she was in tears,  he became calm.   

( 26 ) M A Final Year Examination

 ( 26 )   M  A  Final  Year  Examination

     While I was doing M A IInd Year Course,  the First and IInd Terminal examinations might have taken place,  but I don't remember anything about it.  I don't remember whether there was a tour.   But,  there was a 'farewell party', just before our 'study leave ' period.   I didn't go to college because I was not interested in such things.   Not only that the money they collected seemed a huge amount,  to me.   Because of this,  now,  I don't recommend the present system of education to the students from backward communities.   What they need is a vocational training  to lead a life which suit to  their surroundings.   Otherwise,  their lives will be shattered when they confront with the so - called 'civilized ' persons from the upper class society.   I am writing this from my own experience.   Now, I realise that the 'basic education ' upto Xth Std was enough for me.   After Xth Std,  I could have gone through a vocational training and before I completed  eighteen  years,  might have able to earn money without another's help.   In my opinion,  the education system must be changed and a person must have the ability to lead a life of one's own, at the age of eighteen  itself.   At the sametime,  the talented ones should get a chance to continue their studies upto which level they need.
     However, I think I gave the money but didn't go to college, to participate in it.   On that day, I was in hostel and after having lunch,  I could see my friends  ( they were three in numbers, I imagine ) at the courtyard of the hostel.   They spoke to me crying and with tears - to come and participate in the function.   But I was very stubborn and severe. I didn't go with them.   Now,  when I assess that incident,  I have no feeling of guilt.

     Before our Final examination, there was a period of two months as 'study leave '.  At that time,  a family problem aroused among the individuals of the owners of our hostel.   I can't describe it here because it is a long story.   Most of the students went home during that period but I and Vanaja didn't.   This problem greatly affected our studies, which led to me to think about a new idea  - to change hostel.   Vanaja wouldn't change because she had to remit the previous month's fee also.   I and Vanaja first went to a convent of Catholic Sisters near St George's Cathedral, Kothamangalam.   Attached to it, there was a boarding school.   The warden, a nun, told that as it was the month of March,  they couldn't give admission to a person from outside.  Yes, it must be the last week of February, 1996.   The SSLC examination in Kerala is conducted on March, every year.  So, I had to wait upto the first week of April, to change to that hostel.   But, I couldn't wait - our examination was in the month of May.  Then, we went to another hostel which was almost near to ours.   Sithara hostel - it was like a house.   Besides the warden, there were her husband, her daughter  ( 18 years ) and son  ( 12 years ).  There was a woman to help the warden in preparing food.   To be frank, some students were staying in another house which stood a little far away from the main building - annexe - it can be called so.   There stayed Sandhya, who was doing Ph.D and her two friends doing M.Phil.

     The date to change the hostel was fixed but there was a problem.   I had to go there with my guardian.  One day, I went home and bravely explained everything.  However,  on that day, not only my father but my mother also came.   The hostellers were astonished to see my mother who was talkative and smart in appearance. Here,  I want to mention one thing.   Among the working women in that hostel,  there was a Headmistress of a school nearby.   She said, "those who want to learn,  will study and acquire high score,  whatever may be their circumstances ".  Here, I want to point out that I strongly disagree with this statement. 

( 25 ) M A IInd Year - memories continue

 ( 25 )  M  A  IInd Year - memories continue

     Our classmate Aneesh was a member of a youth organisation of Christian Church.   There were prayer meetings once in a week in a hall behind a book house.  Under his inspiration,  I used to participate in those meetings.   I think two other girls from my class also took part in it.   An annual camp was held at Aluva,  for three days.   There were classes on different topics related to Christianity.   I remember that there were students from Mar Athanasius College of Engineering also in the meetings and camp. But,  I discontinued attending those meetings because I felt that the teachings were different from that of Jacobite Church.

     One thing I remember.   One of my roommates  ( there were four girls including me ) Vanaja,  who was doing her Degree Course,  was a  hardworking & studious person.   She came from Idukki district.   Her mother was working in one of the estates,  in their village.   Here I want to point out the fact that I am writing this from my memory.   Her father was a playwright as well as an actor.   He came home once in a week or twice in a month.   He earned a little,  so it was difficult for her to remit even the hostel fee.
     She revealed me the difficulties she suffered while she was doing Pre - degree.   As it was a remote area,  she had to start her journey to the college at about 06.30 a.m in the morning and return at about 07.30 p.m.   Her mother or uncle would be there to accompany her to home. After reaching home,  she would take bath,  then dinner,  after that sleep at least two hours.   Then  her mother would make her rise up and she would study about two or three hours.   Again, she would sleep for sometime, in the morning, her mother would prepare the breakfast.   After having breakfast,  she would walk to the bus stop with the bag which contained her textbooks and lunchbox.

     Vanaja shared some bad experiences she had to suffer when she was in High School.   One day, she was alone in her home.   She was in the kitchen.   A person who was one of her neighbours,  came inside her home with his child in his hands and tried to seize her.   I was shocked when I heard that a man tried to harass  a girl sexually,  carrying his own child in his arms !  Though I had read about some Cases in the Courts which included politicians and film actors in newspapers,  I  was deeply hurt when she described her story.   

( 24 ) Some Memories from M A IInd Year Course

 ( 24 )  Some Memories from M  A  IInd Year Course

     One day, I and Serin were walking through the verandah of our college.   She had to meet a relative of her who was doing Degree Course.   While we were walking,  we could see some boys who were in Degree Final Year classes hindering the way of some girls from 1st & IInd Year Degree classes.  After asking some questions,  they released the girls - it was something like ragging.   As I & Serin approached near,  one of the boys stopped us by stretching his hands.  We stopped there and I could see Serin seizing & removing his hands  and walking straight.  Serin was very tall,  I was very brave, so we didn't take the matter seriously.   We walked forward but we could hear some protesting sounds from among the boys.  But,  as we were seniors, we couldn't tolerate their behaviour.
     When we returned to our classroom,  we were discussing about the deteriorated conduct of the Degree students.   After sometime,  we noticed some Degree students walking through the verandah of the college near our classroom and also peeping through the windows outside.   We described the whole incidents to our class representative and I think the boys from our class went to Degree classes & I don't know whether any conflict had taken place.   In the evening,  Gowtham  ( class representative ) told Serin not to go home alone.   She did so but she was very courageous,  her two elder brothers had great political influence and nothing happened after that incidence.

     During that period,  I explained the incident to Gowtham like this, "their behaviour to the girls was like that of a prey.  Is it correct ? Girl students should get every freedom like boys ".  I could react to each situation like this. 

( 23 ) M A English IInd Year

 ( 23 )   M A  English IInd Year 

     "Grandfather died at this crucial moment - otherwise he would have helped me in building a toilet ", my thoughts were like this.   However,  my IInd Year M A Course had started and our classroom was in the ground floor.   The staffroom of our Lecturers and Professors situated almost near our classroom.   Next to the staffroom,  there was a hall in which those who were doing M.Phil & Ph.D were sitting,  immersed in their studies.   On the two sides of the hall,  various types of reference texts were placed in open almirahs.   From the hall,  through a door,  we could enter a small room in which our Professor Dr K Balagopalan was sitting and giving instructions to those who were doing  M.Phil & Ph.D.   He had given us permission to refer the textbooks in that hall.   So,  besides the books in the library,  we often went to that hall also.   Seeing those persons who did M.Phil & Ph.D,  I was really astonished. 

     When I was in IInd Year M A class,  though I had a fear about my performance in the examination,  I have obtained  a lot of good experiences also. One of my friends,  Priya told us that she & her mother would rise up early in the morning,  at 05. 00 a.m. and they together would complete the household works before 07. 30 a.m.  Then she would start her journey to a Typewriting Institute at a certain place and practise typewriting from 08.00 a.m to 09.00 a.m.  After that,  she would come to college.   Her father would also get up early morning,  go to his agricultural land, about two acres.   After breakfast,  her mother would also join with him in the farmwork. 

     Priya's story was amazing.   From her conversations,  I understood that her parents were working hard for their children,  that means  for her and her elder brother.   As her mother was a loving person,  Priya  was ready to help her in any circumstances.   When I heard such stories of my classmates,  I would remember my plight but wouldn't tell them anything.  At that time,  I didn't have the courage to reveal the situation in my house.   I was ready to help my parents in household works as well as in the process of making latex, thereby reducing our financial problems - but they were not ready to accept my opinions and I couldn't do anything. 

     When the result of the 1st Year M A course was published,  I failed  - I didn't get one Paper.   I don't know how to explain it.   However,  there was an option - 'improvement examination '.  We could appear for the 1st & IInd Year examination together.   Though hopeless,  I  was able to overcome from my despair, with the help of my friends. 

( 22 ) Final Examination of M A 1st Year

 ( 22 )  Final Examination of  M  A  1st Year

     The new house situated in the route Pothanicad - Chathamattom.   From the busstop,  I had to walk through a narrow pathway near a coconut grove and paddyfields.   Then, there was a mudroad through which I had to walk about fifteen minutes to reach home.
     How many expectations and enthusiasm was there in my mind when I went to the new house !  I had planned to make acquaintances with all neighbouring families.   I hoped that our income would be increased because in the seventyfive cents of land,  the rubber trees were fully grown and the tapping had started already.   But, when I realised that the toilet facility was not there,  I returned to hostel,  the next day itself.   I decided to concentrate in the Final examination of 1st year M A course,  though I was totally frustrated.   But,  the history repeated - how can I describe it ?  My mental condition had become worse.   Somehow or other, I studied something.   After the examination,  I was sure that I would fail.   "What can I do ?  Its my fate ", I would think.

     My hostelmates would ask me every Saturday whether I would go home or not.   Therefore,  I used to go to mother's house,  instead of my own home.   During the examination period,  I went to mother's house only on Second Saturday,  I remember. 

( 21) Continuing memories - M A 1st Year

 ( 21 )  Continuing memories  - M  A  1st Year

     After grandfather's death,  I experienced many problems in my house which ended in total chaos in my relationship with my family members and relatives.   The model examination before my M A 1st Year course was going on during that week,  I think.  I didn't write it  - the reasons are many  - anyway,  I went to college,  after the examination.   Our Professor mentioned the names of those who didn't attend the exam and asked for an explanation.   I said, "my grandfather died ".  Hearing it,  he expressed his displeasure and narrated the story of a boy, who wrote the examination eventhough his grandfather died at the first day of the beginning of the exam.   Hearing that story,  I felt it like a silly one because I knew how could a comparison can be made between that boy and I !  I was a person with a broken heart,  but the Teachers and classmates didn't know anything about me.
     In the hostel, I avoided meat,  fish, egg,  milk and milk products till the 40th day of the passing away of my grandfather.   I was served black tea and I remember how perfectly I did it,  as a part of custom of our Church.   In the meantime,  as our property was sold out,  my parents started to change to the new house which was almost near to mother's house.   I still remember that day on which my family went to that place in a jeep ( I think it was a jeep  ).  My paternal grandfather was with us, but I can't remember whether there were any other persons or not.

     When I reached the new house,  I noticed that it was almost like our old house.   But when I searched for the toilet,  my heart was again and again broken.   I said to myself, "I'm totally defeated this time ".  The neighbours were coming to our house one by one to see the newcomers and I heard my father and mother talking with them happily.   Some of the neighbours told my father that they thought we owned a Television, seeing the luggages brought in a lorry,  the day before.   My father's reply made me bewildered  -  he said, " no, we have no TV,  we are not that much rich ".  "Own a TV " -  it was not there even in my dreams.