( 11 ) M A 1st Year continues

  ( 11 )   M A 1st Year continues

     There were many hostels in Kothamangalam because of the presence of Arts College and Engineering College.   Many houses were changed as hostels and I selected "Queen 's" hostel.
     In my home,  when my father was present,  I declared that I wouldn't continue my studies unless I join in a hostel.   I couldn't rise up early in the morning, prepare food and travel such a distance.   In the evening,  I would come late, draw water, take bath and wash my clothes.   Then it would be the time for prayer, then supper, after that my parents and sister would go to bed.  My mother would start crying after sometime, saying that she couldn't sleep because of the light from the electric bulb.   She would also loudly proclaim that she started her work from morning to evening but couldn't sleep even during night time because her eldest daughter was sitting in the middle room beneath the electric lamp, after spending the daytime leisurely.  She would repeat this many times till my father rise up and question me whether I was born to torment my mother.   As usual, I wouldn't respond to him instead would look at him and my mother angrily.   I would continue reading but I might have changed to an abnormal stage by that time and would put out the light and go to bed with utter despair.   Now, I remember that my brother was doing his Pre - degree IInd year but he went to bed earlier than me without saying anything.
     When I spoke about staying in a hostel, my parents had no objection, both of them came to hostel,  describing to the warden about the discomforts I was facing in my studies.   Hearing their words,  I stood there, shockingly and unbelievably.   I knew that there were many girls coming to the college, after helping their mothers in all kinds of job.   But I was not ready to do household works and at the sametime, hearing all abusive words.

( 10 ) M A English 1st Year

  ( 10 )  M A English 1st Year

     At the beginning of 1st year M A course, I used to go to college by bus.   After two or three months,  I realised that I couldn't continue like that because I was not learning anything during those days.   "The history repeats ", I thought helplessly in my mind.   It was difficult for me to prepare food and get ready before 07.30 A. M.  I know you may be irritated by this statement but I was a mentally tired woman by that time.   Similarly,  when I return in the evening,  I would take bathe and start cleaning clothes because I had only limited number of clothes.   Then my mother would get angry and would start talking about the dangers that would occur when I do cleaning clothes at night time. 

     As our toilet was outside the house,  all of us took bath before sunset.   My father would return from Kadayiruppu junction only after 08.30 P M.   Our land situated in a lonely place  -  she was afraid of a stray dog,  a robber or a ghost.   I was also afraid but everyone believed that I was very courageous. 

     It was at this juncture that I decided to stay in a hostel in Kothamangalam. 

( 9 ) Joining for Post Graduation

  ( 9 )  Joining for Post Graduation 

     When I got admission in M A College, Kothamangalam, I stopped my work as a Teacher in the parallel college.  Anyway, the Teachers in that parallel college were great persons and they showed great consideration towards me.   I can remember four male Teachers and three lady Teachers.   I could speak to them freely and I remember they gave me a treat before I left that institution.   

     M A English literature class  - it was obvious that there was two gangs  - one including those who came from rich families and another in which I was included.   Here, I want to point out that there was one or two persons who stood as mediators between these two gangs.  I had to learn the phonetic script to understand the pronunciation of words because my graduation was in Chemistry.   I think there was two other persons also who did their graduation other than B A English. 

( 8 ) A decision to apply for M A

  ( 8 )  A decision to apply for M A

     It was disgraceful to reply for the Parallel College Principal's question about the result of my Degree Course.   When I said, "second class ", he didn't ask me anything further about it.   I  can  imagine what might have been his thoughts about my poor performance in the examination.   There was no chance to get admission for M Sc Chemistry and therefore I decided to apply for M A English literature.   I think I applied for the course in three colleges in Ernakulam district under Mahathma Gandhi University, Kottayam.
       The nearest college where I applied was Mar Athanasius College, Kothamangalam.   It is a fact that I got admission there in reservation quota, OEC.   There were two routes to reach the place, Kothamangalam.   One was - from our bus stop to Perumbavoor, then from Perumbavoor to Kothamangalam.   But there was one bus which came from Kolenchery  ( it started from some other place, I do not remember ) and ended its journey at Kothamangalam.   The second route was from our bus stop to Kolenchery  ( about 3 kms ), from Kolenchery to Muvattupuzha and from Muvattupuzha to Kothamangalam.   I didn't select the second route because I would have to travel in three buses, though the total distance was lesser than the first one.

     Before explaining more about my experiences in M A College, Kothamangalam, I have to share with you some family matters which I forgot to mention.  I don't remember when and in which date, a girlchild was born to uncle Yohannan and aunt Sicily.   However, it was when I was twenty years, I'm sure.   On that day, my father along with my mother was in hospital, to take care of aunt Sicily.   In my house, I, my brother  ( 15 years ) and my sister  ( 10 years ) were only present.   It was for the first time that such a situation occurred in my life.   

( 7 ) Some thoughts after the Degree Course

  ( 7 )  Some thoughts after  the Degree Course

     Though I couldn't perform well in the examinations in Degree Course,  I continued reading the newspaper and the Vanitha magazine.   Therefore,  I  could understand what was happening around the world,  and especially the position of women in the society.

     The Gulf War and its consequences reflected even in the families of Kerala.   When US President George H W Bush decided to wage war against Saddam Hussein,  I was shocked along with thousands of people in this world.  In India,  after the assassination of Rajiv Gandhi,  in the general elections,  the Indian National Congress was won and P V Narasimha Rao became the Prime Minister of India. In his Cabinet,  the Finance Minister was Dr Manmohan Singh,  who implemented some liberalised reforms in India's economy.   However, I don't want to make a comment on this matter.   

     In Kerala,  K Karunakaran was the Chief Minister during 1991 to 1995.   I don't remember the major incidents that happened in Kerala at that time.   But there was one incident  -  Nambi Narayanan,  who was a scientist in ISRO was charged with espionage and arrested.  During that period,  K Karunakaran stood stern on behalf of him.   It was a wonder to all of us but later he was declared not guilty by the Supreme Court.  I don't know much about this incident and how to make a detailed description about this. 

     

( 6 ) Some Incidents from my Degree Course

  ( 6 ) Some  Incidents  from  my  Degree  Course 

     When I was doing my Degree Course, the  midsummer vacation in School was our 'study leave ' period.   During  those  days, I was struggling for a pass mark in the examination.   As usual, my father, mother and sister would take a midday nap after lunch, upto about 04.00 p.m., in the evening.   Usually, my father would wake up at about 03. 00 p.m., take the chopper and spade and would go to the backside of our land to collect the tapioca roots  with  which we would make kappappuzhukke for the teatime at 04. 00 p.m., in the evening.   One day, at about 03.00 p.m., in the evening, my father shouted at me, "why are you sitting there idle ?  Go and collect the tapioca roots  for the teatime at the evening. "  I wondered to hear his abuse words but when I looked at his eyes, I understood what would happen next.   Taking the chopper and spade, I approached a tapioca plant and cut the upper part of the plant with the chopper.   In the midst of leaves, we can see the seeds and I remember we used it as a top in our leisure time.   Now, I remember how interesting it was to twist it and observing its rotation.   My brother was an expert in it and we used to cheer up our sister with that game.   However, after cutting the upper part of the plant, I shook the stalk and the roots  could be seen when the soil was removed with the spade.   Sometimes, the roots  would be so long that I could remove the soil carefully with the spade and take it without breaking it.   

     My problem was this - "why did my father scold me to do the job when my mother was in a siesta ? "  Now, I ask this question to my relatives.

     Now, I  have to reveal a particular problem to others.   When I was in School, I haven't experienced any pain during my menstrual days. But when I was doing  my  Degree Course, I  experienced pain for two or three hours on the 1st day.   So, when I experienced pain on that particular day, I lay in bed during daytime, which was an unusual behaviour from my side.   Seeing this, I noticed that my father was looking at me angrily, while he was preparing to go to Kadayiruppu junction in the evening.   Then, I remembered what was his reaction when aunt Laly experienced pain for twentyfour hours, crying by laying on a mat on the floor.  At daytime, she would be lying on the back verandah of our house, on a mat.   Then, my father would be lying on the bed after returning from his work and he wouldn't say anything about her pitiful condition.
     Here, my problem was this - "how did he understand the pain of my mother's sister ?   Why didn't he understand my problem ?   Could I describe my problem with him ?"  I  leave this question also to my relatives. 

( 5 ) The impacts of Degree results upon me

   ( 5 )   The  impacts  of  Degree  results  upon  me

     When  my  Degree  result  was  published,  I  was  extremely worn  out  and  couldn't  go  to  the  college to  know  whether  I  had  passed  or  not.   So,  I  requested  my  brother  to  check  the  result on  the  notice  board  of  the  college.  He  was  then doing his  Pre  -  degree  Ist year and  he was  aware  of  my  agony  and  despair.   On  that  day,  I  waited  fearfully  till  he  returned  from  the  college.   After  returning  from  the  college,  he  informed  me  that  I  had  passed  the  examination  with  second  class.  The  happiness  I  felt  at  that  moment  -  it  can't be  expressed  in  words.   I  was  greatly  relieved,  but  a  second  class  in  B Sc Chemistry !  I  expected  this  but  completely  broken  when  my  classmates  in  schools enquired  me  about  the  Degree  results.
     I  knew  that  I couldn't  go  to  the  next  level  - ie.  for applying  M Sc Chemistry.   But  in  my  village,  everyone  thought  that  I  was  doing  my  Course  efficiently.   When  I  received  the  marklist,  our  Professor  remarked  like  this, "it  was  better  for  you  to fail  in  the  examination".  I  remembered  the  moment  in  which  I  knew  that  I  was  the  schooltopper  in  Std  X.   I  have  experienced  the  exalted  tip  of  victory  and  the  deep  pit  of  failure.   This  might  be  the  reason  why  I  do not  enjoy  when  I  experience happiness  and  not  burst  into  tears  when  I  am  very  sad.

     I  wonder  how  much  changes  might  have  been  occurred  to  my  brain  and  each  cell  of  my  body  in  such  a  situation.   I  didn't  disclose  my  sadness  to anyone  because  all  the  people  around  me  were  speaking  against  me, saying  that  I  was  tormenting  my  parents, without  doing  any  work.