( 34 ) An overview of the world from 1994 to 1998

 ( 34 )  An overview of the world from 1994 to 1998

     During the period from 1994 to 1998, though I had some bitter experiences in life, I was curious about the happenings around me - in Kerala,  India and in the whole world.   In 1994,  when the Nobel Prize for Peace was shared by Yasser Arafat,  Shimon Peres and Yitzhak Rabin, I was shocked, like many other people in the world.   I was very eager to read the newspapers, when the comet Shoemaker - Levy 9, hit the planet Jupiter.   It aroused my zest to understand more about the space.
     In the political scenario in India,  A B Vajpayee became the Prime Minister in 1996, then, H D DeveGowda followed by I K Gujral and again A B Vajpayee  - these changes really made me panic.   I understood the limitations of democracy.   In Kerala,  when the Chief Minister, K Karunakaran was replaced by A K Antony,  the newspaper reports were confusing.   I wondered how these incidents happened in Kerala.   When  K R Narayanan became the President of India in 1997,  there were great celebrations in Kerala.   I observed the pulse of Kerala  - reached a conclusion that people always want a change, they need progress in future.
     I have to share with you another important issues also.   There are two subjects.   One is homosexuality.   It was when I was doing my B.Sc Course that I got a clear picture of people who are having sexual attraction to people of the same sex.   It was a shock to me when I realised that it was happening in the world.   I understood more about it after many years.
     The second one is masturbation or self - abuse.   To be honest,  I also had a tendency to do it.   But a miracle happened in the year 2002.   I was in a retreat centre under the leadership of Catholic Church.   During the time of adoration, the priest uttered loudly, "give up all bad habits ".  I prayed with concentration, with all my heart and alas  !  After one week retreat,  that bad habit was completely gone.   I had been never tempted to do it after that retreat.   I consider this as the greatest miracle that happened in my life.
     I was greatly concerned about the status of women in the whole world.   As a result, whenever a woman's problem was discussed in the newspapers, I thought about the ways to avoid such problems in future.   But even now, I haven't found out a complete solution, I agree.   I understand that a woman must get equal share from her parents, for the smooth functioning of the society. Yes, the power over the land  - it is very important. 

( 33 ) As a Guest Teacher in Plus Two

 ( 33 )   As a Guest Teacher in Plus Two

     It was the time when Pre - degree Course was removed from College and the High Schools were given permission to conduct Plus One  ( Std XI ) and Plus Two  ( Std XII ).  In my hostel,  a Teacher and a clerk in Govt Higher Secondary School, Kuttampuzha, were staying.   It was the month of April or May, 1999.   The clerk was transferred to another school.   As it was the beginning of Plus Two course,  the Teachers were posted temporarily as 'Guest Teacher ' in almost every Government School.   One day, the Guest Teachers in Kuttampuzha school in the previous year, came to our hostel accompanied by the clerk.   Our warden opined that I could also apply for the post of a Teacher.   Yes -I also prepared an application and we went together to the school.
     Kuttampuzha is a place which lies close to the Idukki district and it was slightly difficult to reach there.   From Kothamangalam, the bus would go through Chelad, Keerampara and Thattekad. There, we had to cross the river Periyar in a ferry and after crossing it, we could see the board "Thattekad Bird Sanctuary ".  It is famous because Salim Ali, a well -known ornithologist, came there and found many species of birds.   How many memories are there in my mind about that place !  Travelling across the river in the ferry, we were standing outside the bus, the spectacular views of the river etc.   However, my application was received and the Principal requested us to do all the works needed before the school re-opens at the first week of June.
     It was the month of May, 1999.   When I was appointed  ( though a temporary one ) in a Government School, I don't know how much was I relieved of my sorrows.   I made a list of the things I had to purchase after getting the salary of June.   My bag was very old, so a new one was to be purchased.   My sandals were torn and stitched many times - it was to be replaced.   My umbrella was also to be stitched.   Almost everyone in the hostel possessed a flask in which they filled hot water after supper, and in the morning, they made tea to drink. It was a long list .......I looked forward to the future with great enthusiasm. .

( 32 ) M A Improvement Results

 ( 32 )  M A Improvement Results

     One day, I went to the Church in Kothamangalam in the afternoon.   After that, I went to purchase a new footwear.   When I entered the shop, the owners,  a husband and his wife talked with me and at the moment when they realised that I had completed postgraduation and B.Ed. Course, they advised me to go to the school where their children studied because there was a vacancy.   In the next bus,  I went to mother's house, took all my certificates and went to the school which was almost near Kothamangalam. In that school, there were classes from LKG to Std VII.  Being a strict lady,the Headmistress said to me that I should come to school on Saturdays also.   I agreed all the conditions.   I went to 'Easy English ' and informed them about that good news.   Similarly, I went to Sithara hostel, explained to warden everything and she gave permission to stay in hostel from the next month onwards.
     How much delighted was I when I got admission in hostel again !   In mother's house, my grandmother would put out the kerosene lamp, after a certain time at night because there was no one to bring  kerosene in her home,  she would say.   From the period when I got salary from the parallel college, I used candles in order to prepare for next day's classes.   That was why I became relieved when I was again in the hostel.   My salary in that school was Rs 1000 /- and hostel fee was Rs 850 /- .  The fact that I didn't earn money from my job, created laughter in my colleagues.   The teachers  ( being talkative ) laughed at me how many times when they knew that I was in hostel.   When I said that I am coming from a poor family,  they ridiculed me.   They asked me why was I spending the money in hostel instead of helping my family.   During that period,  I didn't utter a word about my family problems.
     One day, almost all the teachers were absent - they went to attend a test conducted by Public Service Commission  ( PSC ).  I was immersed in teaching and correcting the compositions of students.   One teacher asked me why I didn't attend the examination.   I couldn't give an answer.   "How will you get a government job without writing PSC examination  ?", she asked me angrily and at the sametime wonderfully.   It was at that moment that I thought seriously about applying for a govt job.   In the evening, I asked one of the M.Phil. students  ( the old batch had gone,  in the new batch, only two of them were staying in hostel ) about the matter and she replied that I could go to a bookstall, ask for a PSC exam form, fill it and send it in the address given in the notification.   Everyone wondered what kind of a fool was I  !  I was shocked when I realised that I could apply for tests from my eighteenth birthday onwards.
     The result of the 'improvement ' examination of M A Course was published and I scored 726 /1450 ie. 50.07 %.  I had taken a decision that if the score was low, I would apply for it again.   But there was a rule that the 'improvement ' examination should be written on two consecutive years.   And there was only two chances for it.   I remember that day on which I stood in the college verandah, immersed in thinking about my plight.   The date to apply for the next examination was over.   I wondered why the university took such a long term to publish the results.   I stood there and finally reached a conclusion - a person who achieved low marks in B.Sc. Course does not deserve an M.Phil. degree, Ph.D. or a chance to apply for UGC.   But I could apply for the post of 'Guest Teacher ' in VHSE and Plus Two. 

( 31 ) M A Improvement examination & Teaching

 ( 31 )  M A Improvement examination & Teaching

     The hostel was not the same when I returned the second time.  Near the old hostel, on the roadside, a parallel college was functioning earlier.   It was a three -storeyed building.   The hostel was running in that building  ( on rental basis ).  There I tried my best to learn my topics.   There was a time table for me and my study was exam - oriented.   I want to share an important incident here which is still tormenting me very much.   After my M A Final Year Examination, I and my friends used to meet in various places in Kothamangalam.   During one of the meetings, I and Serin were only present.   We were in the bus stand, Kothamangalam.   I asked her whether her family members would give consent to me to stay in their house and prepare for my 'improvement ' examination.   She was puzzled and said, "no ".  She described that her father wouldn't understand my circumstances.   Then, I think I requested to give Rs 100 /- ( or Rs 75 /- ? ) to me.   It is sure that she gave me some amount - it might be  Rs 75 /-.  It remains as a fact that I had not returned her money.   Many times I had tried to return the money - but I couldn't - I continue as a debtor.
     When the examinations were over,  I was happy because I had a feeling that I would pass.   But I doubted whether I could score 50 % or above.  My actual aim was to attain 55 % or above because I could apply for M.Phil. course and also UGC /NET, which is necessary to become a college Lecturer.   During that study leave period,  all the money had exhausted, I remember with an anguish.   There was a moment when there was only Rs. 2 /- with me.   I didn't have a washing soap and I didn't know what to do.   I can realise the mental state of such a person - horrific indeed  !  After the examinations, I didn't like to return to my home.   I applied for the post of a Teacher in a parallel college in Perumbavoor.   In one class, the failed ones in the SSLC Examination and in another class - tuition for some Degree students.   I didn't continue there because the remuneration was not sufficient.   By that time,  I had given my golden chain to the warden and purchased a gold -covering silver chain from a shop.
     In search of a job,  I went to a convent in Kothamangalam where there was a convent school.   I asked one of the Sisters whether there was a vacancy of a tuition Teacher.   The answer was "no " and I remained there for about two or three minutes, without speaking anything. After a while,  I was again in my mother's house.   I decided to enquire in the parallel colleges in the nearest city,  Muvattupuzha.   One day, I went to four parallel colleges.   Everywhere, they noted down my address.   In one of the parallel colleges,  they asked me to come the next week, preparing for teaching a particular topic.   I went there, taught a lesson but there was no vacancy  !
     During that period,  by chance, I went to a college, "Easy English ".  I think they were waiting for a lady Teacher.   I was appointed but the Principal told me that I had classes only in the forenoon.   My salary was Rs 500 / - per month.   But it was enough for me.   When I got my first salary, what I did was :- ( 1 ) I purchased a 'toilet cleaner ' because there was not such a one in the house.   ( 2 ) purchased a pesticide to kill the bed bugs and a spray.   On the next holiday, I sprayed it on the cots, pillows and everywhere.   I washed all the clothes and bedsheets.   The bed and pillows were exposed to sunlight in the courtyard from morning to evening.   When it was completed, I was totally tired, but my mind was relieved, I think so.   I knew that the use of a pesticide is dangerous but I had no alternative method before me  !
     In those times,  I went to the parallel college in the morning and returned in the afternoon, at about 02.00 p. m.  There would be some rice and ricewater in the ricepot and I would take it.   Many days, I had desired some more rice to take.   Even now, I am living in this world, realising the importance of food and money.   In those times,  I had become a strong believer in God, I can imagine.   Did I go through existentialism  ?  'Yes ' or 'no ' -  both of them can be attributed to me.

( 30 ) B. Ed. Result and my life in father's house

 ( 30 ) B.Ed. Result and my life in father's house

     When I was in father's house, the neighbours who went through the mud road would ask me about  the welfare of my family members.   I would reply that everything was fine.   But my heart was burning inside me.   At that time, I had become very lean and this aroused doubts in their minds.   They didn't know the fact that I had not taken any food from my house and in mother's house, I got very little.  It was during the stay in father's house that I understood how much did father's brothers and sister hated him.  "Our eldest brother will be declined forever ", I often heard this statement from the members of these families.   At this moment,  I remember another incident.   It was when I was doing my B.Sc. IInd year.   Then, someone from my paternal aunt's family came to our home in Kadayiruppu and when they returned, we  ( I,  my brother and my sister ) also went with them.   There also, I heard this statement, "the eldest brother will be perished ".  When they openly declared this statement, I realised that they would be happy to see the decline of my father.
     However, the B.Ed. examination results were published and I scored 569 / 1000 ie. 56. 9 %.  I was satisfied in my score because I knew that the marks of B.Sc. Course was also taken into consideration, to give the internal marks.   I think no one in my B.Ed. College knew that I was a distinction holder in Std X.   Our Principal Sister was very kind to me and she said that there were vacancies of Teachers in Punjab  ( which is in the northern part of India ) and she recommended me also with some others, to the school there. When I went home and asked my father about this, he didn't respond to it.   It was noontime and he was lying on the bed.   When I repeated the question,  he stood up and shouted, "Punjab - do you know how far it is  ?  Don't tell this to me a second time ".  Yes - it was very far.   I didn't have the courage to go alone.
     I was in mother's house towards the end of that academic year.   I had applied for the 'improvement ' examination of M A Course.   One day, my sister brought a letter from Mahathma Gandhi University, Kottayam.   In that letter, it was informed that some more money was to be remitted to appear for the examination.   I was in tears in front of my sister.   "My life has gone ", saying this,  I threw it off to the cot.   To my surprise, the next day, my sister brought the money required for the fee.   Thus, I remitted the fee and waited.   Now, I write this because if I had sufficient money with me, I might have gone to the headquarters of M G University because it stood on the route to my college - St Joseph's Training College, Mannanam.
     I desired to stay in the hostel, to prepare for the examination because it was difficult to learn when I stayed in mother's house.   When I thought about it, I got an idea - to go to Sithara hostel, tell everything to warden and promise her to give my golden chain as fee.   I discussed this matter with my sister and she agreed.   Both of us went to hostel, I explained that I could stay at least two months in hostel, otherwise I couldn't learn.   I added that I was ready to give the chain instead of money.   She agreed and said that she wouldn't ask the golden ornament on the joining date.   She would ask it only after two months.
     When did I went to hostel after that  ?  On March 1st or April 1st  ?  I think it was on April 1st.   On that day, I went home and arranged all my books in two bags.   My brother went to the autorickshaw stand and came with one.   I, my brother and sister started our journey from my house to the hostel in Kothamangalam.   My mother was waving her hands and my father had nothing to say.   After reaching hostel, they returned in the same vehicle.   I stood there for sometime till that vehicle had gone.   My sister was fourteen years and brother nineteen.   But to me, they seemed small children.   It was always like that.   Now, a question would arouse in your mind - "how did my sister and brother live in the house without a toilet  ?" The answer is this :- even today, if their father didn't build a toilet, they will live in the house without any complaint.   A very simple answer.   But I am not like that.   I can't go to school to teach the children, from a house where there is no toilet. 

( 29 ) Completing the B. Ed.course

 ( 29 )   Completing the B. Ed. course

     For our Teaching Practice in B Ed,  I and my roommates were given a school in Kallara, to where we had to travel by bus.   I remember the sleepless nights we were engaged in preparing Lesson Plans and Teaching Aids.   After the Teaching Practice, we had our final examinations.   On the final day of examination, everyone vacated the hostel, as per the orders from the authorities.   On that day, my father, mother and sister  ( 13 years ) came to hostel.   All my friends were happy but I was sad.   I thought the condition in my home might become better.   But it was worsened by that time.   My brother had already started doing diploma course in Govt Polytechnic, Chelad, Kothamangalam.   It was due to my continuous plea that he went to different polytechnic institutions in Ernakulam district, filled the applications and finally got admission there.   As he had no reservation and thereby no lumpsum grant, my father had to remit the fee and other expenses, from the money that remained when our land was purchased.

     After returning home completing my B Ed course, I went to mother's house.   My mind was completely broken but an outsider couldn't find any problem in my family.   One day, I and my brother discussed about acquiring a job in a parallel college in Pothanicad. Both of us went together and enquired whether there was any vacancy.   The Principal told us about the behaviour of the students.   Most of them were naughty boys who had failed in the SSLC examination.   There were no lady teachers.  So, I lost all my hopes and continued in mother's house.   At the initial period, there was no problem.   I didn't have any idea about what to do.   But I was determined in one thing.   The next year, we had an opportunity to apply for 'improvement ' examination of M A Course.   Earlier when I was in Sithara hostel, one of my roommates had told me that if one acquires 50 % and above in M A course, there is a chance to apply for 'Guest Teacher ' in Vocational Higher Secondary Schools.   As I had scored only 45 % in M A, I decided to appear for M A examination, next year.   But from where would I get the money  ?  Of course, I had kept some amount from my lumpsum grant but wouldn't spend.
     When I stayed in mother's house,  gradually I realised that I was becoming a burden in that house.   The rice, coconuts, coconut oil etc. came from  Rini's house.   I remember another thing also - aunt Molly also came there and gave money - I don't know how much money.   It wouldn't be a large sum - because I think her husband wouldn't allow her to give money to grandmother though he was present in the house when grandfather died.
      One day, I decided to go to father's house in Kadayiruppu.   Grandfather lived there with his youngest son, uncle Yohannan, aunt Sicily and their daughter, a three years old child.   I forgot to mention one incident.   Cousin Benny was married when I was doing B Ed course.   Even on the day of his marriage, I was attending one examination, I remember.   So, in uncle Yacob's house, aunt Leela, their son Benny and their  daughter - in - law were present.  A surprising factor was this - my paternal grandfather often went for his job, even at that age.   

( 28 ) B.Ed Course

 ( 28 )  B.Ed. Course

     I went to my mother's house with all my necessary things, to stay there.   At that time, I had applied for B.Ed  ( Bachelor of Education ) Degree, in some colleges under M.G.University.   I didn't know whether I would get admission for that course because the selection was on the basis of the marks I have scored in Degree course.   One day, my sister, on the way to school, brought to me a letter - an interview card from St Joseph's Training College,  Mannanam.   Let me remember another thing also.   My sister went to school in a bicycle - there was a reason behind it - a girl from one of our neighbouring families went to school in a cycle.   Moreover,  she had to walk a little more distance than she did in Kadayiruppu.  As a result, I had one advantage - I received the letters addressed to me, the next day itself - she carried the letters to me, on the way to school in the bicycle.
     When I received the interview card,  I realised that I should reach the college on that same day.   I went home quickly and I don't know how did I present it before my father. In such circumstances, I would acquire great courage - it was a turning point in my life.   I am sure that I got admission there on reservation basis.   It was compulsory to wear saree because the teachers in Kerala always appeared in a saree.  But, when I wear a saree, everyone would ask about a golden chain.   There I played a trick.   I told my father that if he was not ready to build a toilet, he must give me a golden chain.   The next day, my father went to Kadayiruppu to withdraw money from his account to buy a chain and brought it home.   Then, I wondered and said to myself, "there was money to build a toilet - but he didn't do.   What is the reason  ?"  However, I went to college, stayed in Pope John hostel, where students from K E College, Mannanam were also staying.   Our Principal was a Sister and she also stayed in that hostel.   Our class' - Physical Science - Head was a priest - he was a Father  ( Jacobite or Orthodox, I don't remember ) but the college was a Catholic institution.   Another speciality was that our college stood in the second position under the B.Ed.  colleges in M.G.University.
     As the B. Ed. Course was intended to make a person suitable for teaching, the college was well - disciplined as a school.   I still remember the cultural programmes, sports meet and arts competitions.   Our Head had asked us to inform him the results of the Postgraduation when it is published.   Almost everyone had done M Sc Physics or Chemistry.   So, after one or two weeks from the publication of results, I went slowly to the staffroom and told him, "I have passed M A with 45 % of marks".  Yes - I didn't fail - that gave me great relief.  Let me also announce that the marks of Postgraduation was also  considered when the internal marks were provided.

     It was when I was doing B Ed that my paternal grandmother died.   A phone call was received in my hostel and I started from there and reached in time.   As grandmother was in Pentacostal Church, her body was buried in their cemetery.  No further traditional practices or rites were there.

( 27 ) My Performance in M A Final Year Examination

 ( 27 )   My Performance in M  A  Final  Year  Examination

     In the new hostel,  I could prepare for the examination in a better way because when the new M.Phil  batch arrived,  one of them helped me to correct my problems in learning.   But there were two persons  - they were friends of Sandhya, who was doing Ph.D.   When they came to our room,  one of them always repeated like this  - "this girl is always studying. Why doesn't she talk to others always  ?  Don't learn continuously.  We were not like this. "  Hearing such types of words made me irritated.  I haven't listened to those people later.   It is because of their envy that they talked like that.   They might have feared that sometimes others would score higher marks compared to them.

     It is interesting to share the fact that in the new hostel, Aneesh visited me once.   He came to know why I changed hostel and also to know whether I could learn better in the new atmosphere.   Gowtham and another friend also visited me in hostel.   Their visit to my hostel remains as a wonder to me even now because we interacted very little in our college though we were doing Postgraduation.  We were not 'friends', I'm sure.  However, that examination was over and there remained the 'viva - voce '.  In the mock viva, my performance was bad,  I think so.   The actual examination date of the viva voce was one or two weeks after the main examination, if my memory is correct.  After the final examination,  I felt that I would pass the examination.  So, I left the hostel with satisfaction.
     My father came with my sister who was only twelve years old,  to vacate the hostel,  in an autorickshaw from Pothanicad.   We travelled from Kothamangalam to our house,  in that vehicle.   The auto driver had become his friend and I am trying to emphasise the fact that everything was clear and smooth in my home,  when watched from outside. After reaching home,  I asked my father why he was not building a toilet in the house. There were many places in our land to build a toilet.   It could be attached to one of the rooms, there was space outside the house, in the backyard or on one side of the house.  How many times I have dreamt about a completed toilet in that compound !  But, his reply was like this :-  "why are you talking about toilet always  ?  Is it because you are an M A Degree holder  ?  Don't dare to repeat this anymore.   I will make a toilet when I build a new house only.   If you can't live here, you can go anywhere you like.   I won't be affected whatever may happen to you". It was  like a roar  - I couldn't give a reply.   He asked my brother, "do you want a toilet  ?", to which he replied shivering, "no ".  Next he turned to my sister who is ten years younger to me, "do you need a toilet ?".  A cry  - that was her reply.   Being a child,  she could not even give a reply.   But,  it is a fact that when I was eleven years old,  I could speak about the importance of a toilet !  He turned to me and shouted,  "my two younger children don't need a toilet.  Then why do you dare to say this to me,  you get out, I say you get out of my house ", he came towards me to beat me.   I stood there without moving.   My mother intervened and asked him to stop.   When she was in tears,  he became calm.   

( 26 ) M A Final Year Examination

 ( 26 )   M  A  Final  Year  Examination

     While I was doing M A IInd Year Course,  the First and IInd Terminal examinations might have taken place,  but I don't remember anything about it.  I don't remember whether there was a tour.   But,  there was a 'farewell party', just before our 'study leave ' period.   I didn't go to college because I was not interested in such things.   Not only that the money they collected seemed a huge amount,  to me.   Because of this,  now,  I don't recommend the present system of education to the students from backward communities.   What they need is a vocational training  to lead a life which suit to  their surroundings.   Otherwise,  their lives will be shattered when they confront with the so - called 'civilized ' persons from the upper class society.   I am writing this from my own experience.   Now, I realise that the 'basic education ' upto Xth Std was enough for me.   After Xth Std,  I could have gone through a vocational training and before I completed  eighteen  years,  might have able to earn money without another's help.   In my opinion,  the education system must be changed and a person must have the ability to lead a life of one's own, at the age of eighteen  itself.   At the sametime,  the talented ones should get a chance to continue their studies upto which level they need.
     However, I think I gave the money but didn't go to college, to participate in it.   On that day, I was in hostel and after having lunch,  I could see my friends  ( they were three in numbers, I imagine ) at the courtyard of the hostel.   They spoke to me crying and with tears - to come and participate in the function.   But I was very stubborn and severe. I didn't go with them.   Now,  when I assess that incident,  I have no feeling of guilt.

     Before our Final examination, there was a period of two months as 'study leave '.  At that time,  a family problem aroused among the individuals of the owners of our hostel.   I can't describe it here because it is a long story.   Most of the students went home during that period but I and Vanaja didn't.   This problem greatly affected our studies, which led to me to think about a new idea  - to change hostel.   Vanaja wouldn't change because she had to remit the previous month's fee also.   I and Vanaja first went to a convent of Catholic Sisters near St George's Cathedral, Kothamangalam.   Attached to it, there was a boarding school.   The warden, a nun, told that as it was the month of March,  they couldn't give admission to a person from outside.  Yes, it must be the last week of February, 1996.   The SSLC examination in Kerala is conducted on March, every year.  So, I had to wait upto the first week of April, to change to that hostel.   But, I couldn't wait - our examination was in the month of May.  Then, we went to another hostel which was almost near to ours.   Sithara hostel - it was like a house.   Besides the warden, there were her husband, her daughter  ( 18 years ) and son  ( 12 years ).  There was a woman to help the warden in preparing food.   To be frank, some students were staying in another house which stood a little far away from the main building - annexe - it can be called so.   There stayed Sandhya, who was doing Ph.D and her two friends doing M.Phil.

     The date to change the hostel was fixed but there was a problem.   I had to go there with my guardian.  One day, I went home and bravely explained everything.  However,  on that day, not only my father but my mother also came.   The hostellers were astonished to see my mother who was talkative and smart in appearance. Here,  I want to mention one thing.   Among the working women in that hostel,  there was a Headmistress of a school nearby.   She said, "those who want to learn,  will study and acquire high score,  whatever may be their circumstances ".  Here, I want to point out that I strongly disagree with this statement. 

( 25 ) M A IInd Year - memories continue

 ( 25 )  M  A  IInd Year - memories continue

     Our classmate Aneesh was a member of a youth organisation of Christian Church.   There were prayer meetings once in a week in a hall behind a book house.  Under his inspiration,  I used to participate in those meetings.   I think two other girls from my class also took part in it.   An annual camp was held at Aluva,  for three days.   There were classes on different topics related to Christianity.   I remember that there were students from Mar Athanasius College of Engineering also in the meetings and camp. But,  I discontinued attending those meetings because I felt that the teachings were different from that of Jacobite Church.

     One thing I remember.   One of my roommates  ( there were four girls including me ) Vanaja,  who was doing her Degree Course,  was a  hardworking & studious person.   She came from Idukki district.   Her mother was working in one of the estates,  in their village.   Here I want to point out the fact that I am writing this from my memory.   Her father was a playwright as well as an actor.   He came home once in a week or twice in a month.   He earned a little,  so it was difficult for her to remit even the hostel fee.
     She revealed me the difficulties she suffered while she was doing Pre - degree.   As it was a remote area,  she had to start her journey to the college at about 06.30 a.m in the morning and return at about 07.30 p.m.   Her mother or uncle would be there to accompany her to home. After reaching home,  she would take bath,  then dinner,  after that sleep at least two hours.   Then  her mother would make her rise up and she would study about two or three hours.   Again, she would sleep for sometime, in the morning, her mother would prepare the breakfast.   After having breakfast,  she would walk to the bus stop with the bag which contained her textbooks and lunchbox.

     Vanaja shared some bad experiences she had to suffer when she was in High School.   One day, she was alone in her home.   She was in the kitchen.   A person who was one of her neighbours,  came inside her home with his child in his hands and tried to seize her.   I was shocked when I heard that a man tried to harass  a girl sexually,  carrying his own child in his arms !  Though I had read about some Cases in the Courts which included politicians and film actors in newspapers,  I  was deeply hurt when she described her story.   

( 24 ) Some Memories from M A IInd Year Course

 ( 24 )  Some Memories from M  A  IInd Year Course

     One day, I and Serin were walking through the verandah of our college.   She had to meet a relative of her who was doing Degree Course.   While we were walking,  we could see some boys who were in Degree Final Year classes hindering the way of some girls from 1st & IInd Year Degree classes.  After asking some questions,  they released the girls - it was something like ragging.   As I & Serin approached near,  one of the boys stopped us by stretching his hands.  We stopped there and I could see Serin seizing & removing his hands  and walking straight.  Serin was very tall,  I was very brave, so we didn't take the matter seriously.   We walked forward but we could hear some protesting sounds from among the boys.  But,  as we were seniors, we couldn't tolerate their behaviour.
     When we returned to our classroom,  we were discussing about the deteriorated conduct of the Degree students.   After sometime,  we noticed some Degree students walking through the verandah of the college near our classroom and also peeping through the windows outside.   We described the whole incidents to our class representative and I think the boys from our class went to Degree classes & I don't know whether any conflict had taken place.   In the evening,  Gowtham  ( class representative ) told Serin not to go home alone.   She did so but she was very courageous,  her two elder brothers had great political influence and nothing happened after that incidence.

     During that period,  I explained the incident to Gowtham like this, "their behaviour to the girls was like that of a prey.  Is it correct ? Girl students should get every freedom like boys ".  I could react to each situation like this. 

( 23 ) M A English IInd Year

 ( 23 )   M A  English IInd Year 

     "Grandfather died at this crucial moment - otherwise he would have helped me in building a toilet ", my thoughts were like this.   However,  my IInd Year M A Course had started and our classroom was in the ground floor.   The staffroom of our Lecturers and Professors situated almost near our classroom.   Next to the staffroom,  there was a hall in which those who were doing M.Phil & Ph.D were sitting,  immersed in their studies.   On the two sides of the hall,  various types of reference texts were placed in open almirahs.   From the hall,  through a door,  we could enter a small room in which our Professor Dr K Balagopalan was sitting and giving instructions to those who were doing  M.Phil & Ph.D.   He had given us permission to refer the textbooks in that hall.   So,  besides the books in the library,  we often went to that hall also.   Seeing those persons who did M.Phil & Ph.D,  I was really astonished. 

     When I was in IInd Year M A class,  though I had a fear about my performance in the examination,  I have obtained  a lot of good experiences also. One of my friends,  Priya told us that she & her mother would rise up early in the morning,  at 05. 00 a.m. and they together would complete the household works before 07. 30 a.m.  Then she would start her journey to a Typewriting Institute at a certain place and practise typewriting from 08.00 a.m to 09.00 a.m.  After that,  she would come to college.   Her father would also get up early morning,  go to his agricultural land, about two acres.   After breakfast,  her mother would also join with him in the farmwork. 

     Priya's story was amazing.   From her conversations,  I understood that her parents were working hard for their children,  that means  for her and her elder brother.   As her mother was a loving person,  Priya  was ready to help her in any circumstances.   When I heard such stories of my classmates,  I would remember my plight but wouldn't tell them anything.  At that time,  I didn't have the courage to reveal the situation in my house.   I was ready to help my parents in household works as well as in the process of making latex, thereby reducing our financial problems - but they were not ready to accept my opinions and I couldn't do anything. 

     When the result of the 1st Year M A course was published,  I failed  - I didn't get one Paper.   I don't know how to explain it.   However,  there was an option - 'improvement examination '.  We could appear for the 1st & IInd Year examination together.   Though hopeless,  I  was able to overcome from my despair, with the help of my friends. 

( 22 ) Final Examination of M A 1st Year

 ( 22 )  Final Examination of  M  A  1st Year

     The new house situated in the route Pothanicad - Chathamattom.   From the busstop,  I had to walk through a narrow pathway near a coconut grove and paddyfields.   Then, there was a mudroad through which I had to walk about fifteen minutes to reach home.
     How many expectations and enthusiasm was there in my mind when I went to the new house !  I had planned to make acquaintances with all neighbouring families.   I hoped that our income would be increased because in the seventyfive cents of land,  the rubber trees were fully grown and the tapping had started already.   But, when I realised that the toilet facility was not there,  I returned to hostel,  the next day itself.   I decided to concentrate in the Final examination of 1st year M A course,  though I was totally frustrated.   But,  the history repeated - how can I describe it ?  My mental condition had become worse.   Somehow or other, I studied something.   After the examination,  I was sure that I would fail.   "What can I do ?  Its my fate ", I would think.

     My hostelmates would ask me every Saturday whether I would go home or not.   Therefore,  I used to go to mother's house,  instead of my own home.   During the examination period,  I went to mother's house only on Second Saturday,  I remember. 

( 21) Continuing memories - M A 1st Year

 ( 21 )  Continuing memories  - M  A  1st Year

     After grandfather's death,  I experienced many problems in my house which ended in total chaos in my relationship with my family members and relatives.   The model examination before my M A 1st Year course was going on during that week,  I think.  I didn't write it  - the reasons are many  - anyway,  I went to college,  after the examination.   Our Professor mentioned the names of those who didn't attend the exam and asked for an explanation.   I said, "my grandfather died ".  Hearing it,  he expressed his displeasure and narrated the story of a boy, who wrote the examination eventhough his grandfather died at the first day of the beginning of the exam.   Hearing that story,  I felt it like a silly one because I knew how could a comparison can be made between that boy and I !  I was a person with a broken heart,  but the Teachers and classmates didn't know anything about me.
     In the hostel, I avoided meat,  fish, egg,  milk and milk products till the 40th day of the passing away of my grandfather.   I was served black tea and I remember how perfectly I did it,  as a part of custom of our Church.   In the meantime,  as our property was sold out,  my parents started to change to the new house which was almost near to mother's house.   I still remember that day on which my family went to that place in a jeep ( I think it was a jeep  ).  My paternal grandfather was with us, but I can't remember whether there were any other persons or not.

     When I reached the new house,  I noticed that it was almost like our old house.   But when I searched for the toilet,  my heart was again and again broken.   I said to myself, "I'm totally defeated this time ".  The neighbours were coming to our house one by one to see the newcomers and I heard my father and mother talking with them happily.   Some of the neighbours told my father that they thought we owned a Television, seeing the luggages brought in a lorry,  the day before.   My father's reply made me bewildered  -  he said, " no, we have no TV,  we are not that much rich ".  "Own a TV " -  it was not there even in my dreams. 

     

( 20 ) The memories continue - M A 1st Year

( 20 )  The memories continue  -  M A 1st Year

     After grandfather's funeral,  all of us returned to mother's house.   The house was cleaned and the food was prepared.   All of us took the meals.   What made me wonderstruck was the behaviour of grandfather's daughters.   While preparing the food,  they were talking loudly and sometimes laughing.   "Yesterday, they were crying loudly ", I thought and shared it with Rini.   In the evening,  there was prayer in the house,  as per the usual custom of our Church.   So, in the front courtyard,  I, Ruby and Rhymie sat on a bench and conversed together.   I don't remember how many people came in the evening.  
     Anyway,  a problem was there  - grandmother and Rini were alone in the house.   All of us were thinking about a solution to this problem.   Then, one of  grandmother's brother,  put forward a suggestion - he was ready to come to his sister's house every evening.   In the morning,  he would go to his workplace.   Everyone agreed to that decision as a temporary solution.   There was another problem also - grandmother was in a pitiful condition.   It was decided that each daughter should remain in her house for one week,  in turn, till the 40th day of his death.   But it is clear that aunt Molly was exempted from this responsibility.   Aunt Laly was the person who remained in the house at the first week,  I think.  
     I would always remember that house,  which looked like a hut, but with the basic facilities.   When all the people were gone from the house,  I got a chance to analyse the facilities of the house.   From the front courtyard,  there were two steps to enter into the main room. A cot was there which was used by grandfather.   Then, there was another room in which two cots were placed together.   Grandmother and Rini used these cots to sleep.   But, the two rooms were not separated completely.  The wall between two rooms was not completed.   The table in the old house was placed in the main room.   We could enter into the kitchen from these two rooms. On one side of the kitchen,  the fireplace was there.   In order to cook food,  one had to bend the knees.   Three or four korandi were there and the kerosene lamps.  From the kitchen, we could enter into a small verandah,  where the grind-stone was built.   Then, towards the last end of the verandah,  a toilet was there.   Seeing the toilet, I was greatly relieved because it was comfortable for me.   I respectfully remembered grandfather who built it though the house was a small one. 

( 19 ) M A 1st Year - the events continue

 ( 19 )  M  A  1st Year - the events continue

     We reached near mother's house in the ambulance.   I got a glimpse of aunt Molly,  crying and running towards the ambulance.   I was the last person who descended from the ambulance.   I touched his forehead.   It was frozen.   It was at that time time that I was seeing the new house which was built by grandparents,  after selling the old one and giving shares to their four children  ( Chinnamma,  my mother,  Molly,  Laly ).  The amount was not a big sum,  I remember,  but it was deposited in a bank.   After selling the property,  grandparents owned ten cents of land near the rich people's paddyfields of that area.   There,  a small house was built.  The labourers were grandfather, grandmother, aunt Chinnamma, aunt Laly - I don't remember how many persons took part in the job - but my mother was not there, I was also not present there.   

     The new house was not near the main road.   Through a small road,  the dead body was carried and placed on the main room of the house.   After that,  the staff of the ambulance returned.   All the people were crying or expressing their unexpected shock.   When all his daughters were crying,  the responsibility came upon Rini,  the yonngest daughter of aunt Chinnamma,  who lived with grandparents & also upon me.   Then you will definitely ask a question - where were the elder daughters of aunt Chinnamma  ?  I forgot to mention the details about them.   The first one,  Ruby and the second one Rhymie were working as Nurses in Chennai, Tamil Nadu.   

     Both of them had done their Pre - degree Course but I don't remember their results.   However,  one of the distant relatives of our maternal grandmother was working in Chennai,  as a Teacher.   His sister's daughter was working as Junior Nurse in a hospital.   She advised my cousins to apply for Junior Public Health Nurse course and after completing it,  they went to Chennai and started their career in a hospital. 

     

( 18 ) M A 1st Year - the events that followed

  ( 18 )   M  A  1st Year - the events that followed

     When we climbed down the steps,  we could see aunt Gauri walking the road, at a distance.   "Grandfather died ", I told her.  She stood there for sometime,  shockingly.   Near the deadbody of grandfather,  there were grandmother, aunt Chinnamma and aunt Laly, shedding tears.   My parents were there.   Mother was crying loudly.   When I looked at grandfather's dead body, I could see an innocent face - yes,  he was very innocent in his words and actions.   But his death was very pathetic,  I thought.  

     Aunt Molly was about to set out  to the hospital but she was informed that she should not come,  instead grandfather was returning to his house,  though he was in a serious stage.   I think it was informed to the relatives that they should not convey the truth about her father's death.   

     I knew that the hospital bills were paid by my father because our land was already sold out and the money was in the bank.   My father was doubtful whether the ambulance service would be available to us as we were poor and I think he had hesitation about the expense of their service.   But when he enquired about it,  he realised that it was affordable to him and we set out from there in an ambulance.   Throughout the journey, everyone was crying.   I looked at his face all the time because I knew that  I couldn't see him after one day.  

     

( 17 ) M A 1st Year - maternal grandfather

  ( 17 )  M  A  1st Year -  maternal grandfather 

     Grandfather was in hospital for about one or two weeks.   All the relatives and some neighbours from Pothanicad,  came to visit him.   I remember one particular incident  - one afternoon,  I went to hospital and found that there was aunt Laly alone to take care of grandfather.   Seeing me,  aunt Laly became very happy  &  she went to some other purposes - to pay the bill,  buy some food items or to toilet  ?  I don't remember. 

       I sat on the bed and rubbed gently on his forehead. He replied, " no problem,  nothing ".  But I knew that he was in a critical stage  - it was almost sure that he would die at any time.  I remained there for sometime thinking about his whole life.   It was at that time that kochechi  came to visit him in the hospital.   She said, " Oh !  Diya,  I didn't think that you are here ".  She talked to us and also to aunt Laly if my memory is correct.   I meant this  - aunt Laly might have returned to the ward by that time.
     One day, my father and mother were doing the job  - rubber tapping.  Aunt Chinnamma and aunt Laly might have been there in hospital,  I think.  It was aunt Laly who gave the news over Telephone to Puthiyaveettil house,  informing the news that grandfather was dead.   My mother started crying loudly at the very moment when she realised the truth.   My father told me that he was going to the hospital with my mother.   He also gave instructions  -  to take the washed clothes from the clothlines in our courtyard, spread them on the rooms and the clothlines in the back verandah,  I should send my brother to inform this sad news to my father's brother Yacob's house & Yohannan's house including paternal grandfather and grandmother and I should take dresses for one or two days.
     I quickly instructed my brother to go to my father's brother's houses on his bicycle.  I specially mentioned that he should inform the news after entering their houses  -  otherwise they would take it as an insult to them.   After sometime,  my brother returned and I was ready to go to hospital with one or two bags.   Even today,  I remember that moment when I closed the door and started journey with my brother and sister, climbing down the steps. 

( 16 ) M A 1st Year - some sad moments

( 16 )   M  A  1st  Year - some sad moments 

     It was a holiday and I had gone to my house for two days from hostel.   One afternoon,  I was sitting in the front verandah.   After sometime,  I noticed a taxi,  coming and parking in the opposite side of our house,  near the road which led to the Puthiyaveettil house.   Surprisingly, aunt Chinnamma,  aunt Laly & uncle Daniel came,  climbing the steps.   Aunt Chinnamma  and aunt Laly were crying.   Uncle Daniel explained that my maternal grandfather had got a serious injury,  he couldn't stand up and as a result, he was lying on the backseat of the taxi.   First,  they took him to Dharmagiri hospital, Kothamangalam .  After examining him,  they gave some primary treatments and then referred to MOSC Medical Mission hospital  ( Now  Medical College ) , Kolenchery.   Hearing this, my mother started crying loudly.   However,  my father and mother quickly changed dress and went to the hospital,  Kolenchery.
     We  ( I,  my brother who was doing Pre - degree IInd year and my sister who was in VIIth Std ) were left behind in our house.   I was shocked for sometime.   It was eveningtime,  so I knew that some of them would return to our house and therefore,  I had to prepare a curry for dinner.   With the help of my brother, I collected the leaves of a variety of amaranthus,  which was grown abundantly in our land and prepared a curry.   In the evening,  some of them returned  - I don't remember who they were  -  but it is sure that my father was there.   I remember this because he made a statement that he didn't know whether a curry is prepared or not.   He went to the kitchen to make sure that the curry was prepared.   After taking food, he returned to hospital,  I think.

     The thing that worried me was that he made the statement that he was not sure whether the curry was prepared or not.   I was twentyone years then and it would be an insulting factor to me when the relatives know that I don't know how to make a curry for dinner.   He knew that I could make some simple curries but when any relative or fellow citizen came to our house, he would say that he didn't know whether I could cook rice or curry.   Many times,  I was annoyed by this statement and so the distance between I & my father increased day by day. 

( 15 ) M A 1st Year - selling of our house & property

  ( 15 )   M A 1st Year - selling of our house & property

     When my father sold our property,  his brothers and sister talked about their attachment with our land.   They spoke openly that my father made such an irritating activity without any consultation with them.   They added that they had also some authority in that property, earlier.   My father's sister said that her father  ( my grandfather  ) had promised her that he would give her five cents from our land.   All these remarks made me sad.   I tried my best to to reply to some of the members of my father's family that he had been trying to sell the property when I was in VIIth Std itself.   But it had no effect at all. 

     When my father started to enquire lands for sale,  I thought that he wouldn't buy less than one acre.   There was my maternal grandfather also with him in search of land in and around Pothanicad.   My father didn't like some lands on various reasons.  Some were away from the main road,  some away from Jacobite Church, some places were there in which it was difficult to make a way to the house and so on. He didn't like to own a land in another district.

      At last, with the help of my grandfather in Pothanicad, he found sevetyfive cents almost near my mother's house, Pothanicad.   When I knew that my father was going to buy less than one acre,  I became very sad.  But, what could  I say  ?  It was fixed and all the procedures were completed. I didn't go there because I thought that my father and grandfather wouldn't make a mistake.